Mary Sue of the Caribbean
by Lady LolaBert
Summary: FINISHED! Formerly posted as 'If Mary Sue had a Pet Monkey.' Want to see Jack falling wildly and uncharacteristically in love with an OC? Look no further as you join young, nubile Ethel Moonshine, a beautiful, mysterious adventurer with shiny hair who w
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was posted aeons ago under the title of "If Mary Sue Had a Pet Monkey". Unfortunately I had it taken down again and again without much of an explanation. I have made changes as to what I THINK may have been wrong with it. This is not an MST, I have written everything here myself. If I am doing anything wrong, please inform me immediately and I will make the necessary changes.

This was written just after the first movie came out, which means there will obviously be no spoilers for DMC and also means that the pop-culture references will be VERY dated.

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? (pats monitor fondly)

This is a crazy fic idea that I had when I wanted to mock all those crappy Mary Sue stories out there. I'm not sure if it's funny (no-one seems to think so), but in my own defence, I'd like to say I'm not a funny person IRL.

Co-written by Danielle (check out her fic! plug)

Disclaimer: Disney owns POTC and anything POTC related. Most quotes you'll find here are either Buffy or Alias quotes.

It was a balmy summer's night on Tortuga. The less than savoury inhabitants of the equally less than savoury town were out doing what they did every night – drinking each other under the table, or on top, whichever way you prefer it.

But those sober enough espied a girl walking along the beach. She looked frightened and lonely, yet her appearance was striking.

**Author:** Aren't they always?

**AngryReader:** Shut up and keep writing! Oh yeah and pass me those Gummi bears. Mummy wants her Gummies.

Her white gold hair reached her waist and her skin shone like the moonlight.

**PickyReader:** Sounds like a Veela to me.

**AngryReader:** Hey! Am I here to read Harry Potter comparisons? Get on with the story!

But the most amazing thing about her were her eyes.

**CynicalReader:** Here we go. Are they going to shine like the starlight, be "dark and stormy" or are they gonna contain a heat "so fierce that no-one dared to look into them"?

**OptimisticReader: **I'm sure the author will come up with something better than that.

They were the colour of the sea.

**All Readers:** I knew it!

But changed according to her mood. Sorta like chameleons, except that it's the chameleon's skin that changes as opposed to its eyes and last time I checked, skin and eyes were totally different. Come to think of it, maybe chameleons aren't that good of an example. More like mood rings since her eyes changed because of her moods and not because she needed camouflage in her surroundings.

**CynicalReader:** Wow! She managed to spend at least 5 lines describing a girl's EYES!

This girl's name was Cecilia-Gertrude-Melody-Harmony-Glory-Anyaka-Olaf-Crystal-Buffy-Cordelia-Daisy-Mary-Kate-Ashley Moonshine. But it was usually Ethel for short because of an incident that happened with a bottle of Listerine, a puppy, a sparkler and mass amounts of cheese.

ON THE BEACH 

Mysterious Figure 1: How you doin'?

Ethel: (helpless voice) I'm lost and I need a job at a bar so I can conveniently meet a certain Captain Jack Sparrow – er, I mean because I need the money.

Mysterious Figure 1: Okay, come with me now, if you will……

So Ethel and the MF1 walk off. But little does the MF1 know that the girl he was taken had a much more mysterious past than his figure-y-ness.

**CynicalReader:** Ah, I was wondering when that'd come along.

**HappyReader:** What, her past?

**CynicalReader:** No the pizza, douchebag. Get the door!

Constructive criticisms, flames, praises, comments on how to kill myself in the most gruesome way possible are all welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This has been posted before, everything you see is in it's original format.

Anyway, on with the story!

Co written by dani-the-strange (read her POTC fic!)

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Seriously, I live in a cardboard box that is on loan from someone else.

**Definition of a Mary Sue: **Often loosely described as an "original character", these evil Mary Sues prowl the realm of fanfiction, plaguing all movies, books, tv shows, etc with their perfect hair and "remarkable" eyes. The are most usually the "perfected" version of the author, lacking personality, depth and character. They exist for the sole purpose of falling in love with the man. Bad plot devices and gaping plotholes usually surround these creatures.

Cool…..air quotes.

The crew of the Black Pearl jeered at the frightened Elizabeth about to walk the plank.

Elizabeth: Noooo! Noooo! Don't hurt me. I promise I'll be good!

Will: Too late honey. Just because you can't accept my new lifestyle choice you had to go all batshit crazy on me. You have to go Elizabeth I'm afraid.

Elizabeth: But…no! I promise I'll shop and go to the beauty spas with you! We can be the new Jack and Karen!

Will: Sorry, but I've found someone else. _(Norrington steps in and wraps arm around Will)_

Elizabeth: _(jumps) _Why is – _(glub glub)_ -life so – _(glub glub) _cruel……….. (dies)

**AngryReader:** Finally! I was waiting for her to die throughout the entire movie!

**HappyReader:** Why? I liked her. She was cool.

**AngryReader:** Don't MAKE me kick your ass now!

Jack: Well, now that we've gotten rid of her, let's all get a drink in Tortuga where I can conveniently meet Ethel and fall in lo – I mean, where I can get drunk, yes that's right – drunk, ahem.

(Everyone scampers around doing sailor-y stuff while Will and Norrington head below deck if you know what I mean – and I think you do ;))

Anamaria: What the hell happened to me? Wasn't I supposed to be Jack's love interest? God dammit!

As the hour drew near to the beginning of a new day, Ethel walked home from the bar where she had been working for the last few weeks – The Psycho Drunken Penguin.

Then it all happened so quickly. A bright flash, a yell and a loud crash. Ethel had stupidly closed her eyes instead of what anyone else would've done – hauled their ass outta there. The blonde ninny opened her eyes and looked at the smashed crates where there was some movement.

Ethel: H..hello?

Mysterious Voice 1: grunt, grunt, shuffle, shuffle, grunt, grunt.

The Mysterious Voice then shuffled and grunted to reveal a Mysterious Figure. The Mysterious Figure looked hurt.

Ethel: Oh my, are you okay?

Mysterious Grunting and Shuffling Figure: Oh yeah, just peachy after falling from the sky and landing on some wooden crates. No, you loser! I'd never thought I'd say this but my ass is kicking my ass. Ow!

Ethel's eyes finally saw the figure clearly. It was a -

Ethel: You're a monkey?

Monkey: A talking monkey mind you!

Ethel: But what? How? When? Why? How?

And with those words, she fainted.

Talking Monkey: Oh great, first day on the mission and my stupid charge faints. _(lifts head upwards) _thanks a lot you stupid The Powers That Be! _(waits for lightning to crash. It doesn't which only confirms his belief that TPTB are drinking their Zimas and watching reruns of the X-Files this very moment)_

TPTB1: Scully wants me so bad.

Constructive criticisms, flames, praises of worship, suggestions of gruesome ways of killing myself are all welcome! Again, if i'm doing anything wrong, please tell me before it gets taken down. I don't thinkI can stand the heartbreak.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. POTC belongs to Disney.

An hour later, the monkey and Ethel were sitting in the girl's room, discussing exactly why the monkey was there.

Ethel: So let me get this straight. You've been sent here to help me find my long lost uncle's second cousin's step-father's dog walker's neighbour who had an affair with that guy who was THE Ronald McDonald at McDonald's' crazy fan's sister's niece twice removed on her mother's side's treasure?

The monkey, whose name was Wesley, sat on top of the wardrobe, dressed in women's garb, looked comfortable where he was.

Wesley: Uh huh. Wait! This is a pirate story right? So – aye!

Ethel: So where is this treasure?

Wesley: (looks uncomfortable) That's where we reach a little snag you see. The only one who has the map leading to the treasure is a pirate. His name is –

Any Reader: 3 guesses who!

Wesley: Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ethel: (hysterically) How did he get it? How come he hasn't already gone for it? How do I know that he hasn't already claimed it all? How do I find him? How am I going to get the map off him if he's a pirate? How do I get him to fall madly in love with him? When am I going to have hot monkey sex with him? Do you think I'd look better as a brunette? Or maybe as a redhead? Yeah…I was thinking of getting bangs………

She continued in this vein for quite some time, making the monkey look for a shovel to hit her across the face with it. After about half an hour when his search turned fruitless, Wesley came back in the room to find Ethel still gibbering like an idiot.

Ethel: And how come its always so dark at night time? It's like the sun is gone or something! Crazy isn't it? Where is my Pokemon card collection now I wonder? I always liked Pikachu, cute little thing he was…….

Wesley: SHUT UP!

AllReaders: Hear hear!

Wesley: I'm only going to answer the first couple of questions you asked, because they are the ones that have anything remotely related to the story. As far as I know, Sparrow obtained the map from a cereal box. He hasn't gone for it because that would mean a plothole is filled, and that's not how we do things here. You know he hasn't claimed it all because I know, and I know all. You won't find him, he'll find you, usually in a badly contrived situation wherein you are drunk off you ass and he has to help you. And finally how you get the map off him is explained in the next chapter.

Ethel: (blank look) Right. Well, I have to get my sleep. It has been a very trying day for me. Can you make sure to lock the door for me please?

Wesley: Sure

Wesley went to lock the door, breathing a sigh of relief and wondering how long it'd take them to get this done and if he should carry a shovel with him at all times.

Review? You know you want to!


	4. Chapter 4

Note: This was formerly posted under the title of "If Mary Sue had a Pet Monkey"

Discalimer: POTC belongs to Disney. Bad, uncreative authors own Ethel. Wesley doesn't answer to me.

Wesley: Damn straight! What's that? (looks at title) Pet? I am NOT her pet! You hear me?

Author: Ah, go and eat your Clag glue.

Wesley: (pouts) You said you wouldn't tell anyone. (sniffle)

It had been 3 days since Wesley had arrived in Tortuga. Perched on her shoulder, he and Ethel were walking through the dark streets after an early night off at the Psycho Drunken Penguin.

Ethel: So any idea what's going to happen next?

Wesley: Check that thing hanging around your neck.

Ethel found an ugly, er I mean, exquisite pendant hanging off a fine chain around her neck.

Ethel: Holy shiznit! How the hell did that get there?

ObservantReader: (smirks) The author finally managed to fill up a plot hole, usually a chapter too late.

CynicalReader: In true Mary-Sue style!

Wesley: That (indicates pendant) is the reason why Sparrow hasn't gone after the treasure. He knows full well that the only way he can access it, is by that. You have the key, he has the map.

Ethel: And I have to find him and the map to get to it right?

Wesley: Were you dropped as a child? Was my last line that hard to understand?

Ethel: Come to think of it, I DID lose my memory a few months back. Otherwise, I would've known about this pendant.

Wesley: You lost your memory? I didn't know that.

Author: Neither did I.

At that moment, Ethel collided with a figure –

ObservantReader: How many times has she used the word "figure" in this fic?

Author: Shut up. Or there will be no Gummi Bears for you!

- stumbling drunkenly from the door of a pub – The Faithful Bride. (A/N Is it stated anywhere in the movie that THAT is bar where Jack has a drink with Gibbs? No? Just a fanfic thing where everyone assumes that's what it is - like in Alias fanfic where we all assume that Irina took Sark under her wing when he graduated from an English boarding school? Sorry, just another obsession taking over there.)

AllReaders: (blank stare)

Author: Ahem (pulls collar) on with the story!

Ethel, busy studying her pendant looked up into a pair of green eyes, blushing furiously.

Drunken Guy: (drunkenly) Aye, you'll do.

And with that, he grabbed the stunned girl's elbow who was still standing there stupidly and pulled her towards the door.

Wesley: Hey! Nobody messes with my girl! (leaps off Ethel's shoulder and takes out the shovel hidden up his corset to whack Drunken Guy on the head) WHACK!

Drunken Guy: (falls to the ground) That wasn't very nice you … you … monkey!

Wesley: That's a shovel-wielding monkey to you mister! (whacks Drunken Guy again) Come on! WHACK! Just – WHACK! – fall – WHACK – into – WHACK! – sweet – WHACK – unconsciousness – WHACK! – already! WHACK!

And he finally did.

Ethel: (relieved) Thanks for that, I owe you one.

Wesley: (hides shovel again) No sweat.

Nothing much happened for about 3 minutes and 47 seconds more of walking. Then Ethel once again, stumbled into _another _ figure.

Ethel: Oh I'm so sorry!

The man, like the one before, was totally out of it. He had a funny shaped hat on his head and funky beads hanging off his hair. His kohl lined eyes settled on Ethel who once again didn't have enough sense to be hauling her ass out of there.

DrunkenGuy2WhoWeReadersTotallyKnowIsJack: You're pretty, how about spending tonight with ol' Jack here?

Author: (cringe) That was gross.

InnocentReader: How so?

ObservantReader: He wants to have hot monkey sex with her.

InnocentReader: Oh.

Wesley took action again, swinging the shovel back for a deadly left swing, but stopped mid-action when he realised who it was.

Wesley: You're Jack Sparrow! Crap! You're vital to the story, so I can't damage you too badly. Look, you have something we want and we have something you want so if you could just – RUN!

He sprang off Ethel's shoulder and ran away with Ethel in tow, leaving a stunned Captain Jack Sparrow on the street.

Jack: I gotta start laying off those 'shrooms.

Reviews! Constructive criticisms! Ideas! Flames! Are all welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I've disabled the anonymous reviewer thingy so all ye anonymous reviewers, go and review!

"Co-inspired" by dani-the-strange. Written by yours truly.

I was recently asked by a friend of mine who had read this fic why I hate Mary Sues so much. To tell you the truth, I really did not have an answer. After a long time of thinking while waiting for my bus, I came to the conclusion that I don't hate Mary Sues. (gasp! shock!) I just like poking fun at them. Who doesn't love a fluffy romantic fic, however unrealistic the characters are. This is fan**fiction **and for me at least it offers a nice escape from my boring life. I hope that is all clear.

DISCLAIMER: see previous chapter

After Wesley's suggestion that Ethel should really get out more - not only because she spent her nights in her room studying that pendant, but also for the monkey's ulterior motives that were crucial to the story - the pair were to be found at the Faithful Bride.

Ethel was on her fifth tankard of rum. She had never had rum in her life but had decided that very night to get drunk off her ass.

Ethel: (dancing on top of table) A pirate's life is the life for me! Yo ho ho and a bottle of Yum! (pauses) Hold on, wrong movie. Ahem. Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me!

PickyReader: How does she actually know that song is she isn't a) a pirate b) know any pirates and c) lost her memory?

PertReader: Because the author doesn't know any pirate songs and "Row Row your Boat" hardly has the same effect.

PickyReader: Quite right.

Wesley sat on a small box on a chair so he could reach the table. He had absolutely refused to have his drink on the table, like some common unsophisticated rum drinking monkey. Ethel looked like she was having the time of her life, singing like a complete moron, totally off key. He spotted the man that they had run away from a few nights ago, sitting a table away, drinking happily, laughing and singing loudly.

Wesley: (writes) Singing lessons for pirates. Check.

Ethel's dancing had taken a more vibrant swing as she literally swung off the table and onto the crowd of dirty customers of the bar. Wesley reached for his shovel, ready to beat any man who wasn't a certain pirate who was essential to the story into a bloody pulp if he decided to grope his charge. It was just as well, Wesley thought as he stored his shovel into his corset, watching the person's arms that Ethel had landed in.

Ethel: (falls on Jack's lap) Oh my! (giggles) I must have fallen off the table! (titters wildly) I'm so very sorry!

Jack: Hey…don't I remember you? (scrunches face as he tries to remember what he did after eating all those mushrooms) Yeah you were that –

Ethel: (passes out. In Jack's arms. DUN DUN DUN!)

Jack: (looks up at the Powers That Be, out of Captain Jack Sparrow mode) Oh god, seriously?

Author: Seriously dude.

Jack: (back in Captain Jack Sparrow mode, sighs) This should be interesting, very interesting.

Sorry for the short chapter, but there's that little thing called school that I have to worry about.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi y'all! More Jack Sparrow-y goodness in this chapter! I absolutely refuse to do his grammar that we find so often here. I.e. "yer" instead of "you", "luv" instead of "love" and my number one favourite "onesies" instead of "myself". I can't do it properly to tell you the truth actually and all his dialogues end up sounding like Hagrid's from Harry Potter.

DISCLAIMER: see previous chapter

Ethel woke with a horrible headache.

CynicalReader: Don't they always? I mean seriously, does that even NEED to be stated? She was totally wasted the night before!

SmartReader: Hey, the author is just trying to tell us how she is feeling. A story has to have FEELINGS you know! And if I'm not mistaken, Rule #47 in the Pirates of the Caribbean Mary Sue Writing Academy is that "The chapter after the chapter that states that Mary Sue gets drunk and ends up with Jack must begin with a description of said Mary Sue's hangover"

Ethel stretched and the pain in her head worsened. She groaned and turned and found that she was lying on someone.

Wesley: Argh! Get off me you big fat lump!

Ethel felt the metal of his shovel dig into her back painfully and quickly rolled off the bed. This resulted in her falling to the ground. All this commotion woke another person sleeping on the bed.

Jack: 'ello love!

Ethel: Oh god. We didn't. Seriously. Did we?

Jack: We both did have a lot of fun last night.

SmartReader: Ah yes of course, Rule #3122 "Bad innuendos are always to be used the day after Mary Sue gets drunk and ends up with Jack".

ObservantReader: At least the author hasn't made an innuendo about "pillaging someone's booty" (shudder)

PickyReader: Shouldn't we be getting a description of where she is by now?

AngryReader: We should, if you all kept your traps shut!

PickyReader: (sulks) Meanie.

Horrified, Ethel sat on the ground looking up at a grinning Jack who was busy putting his clothes on. Oh, did I mention before that he was SHIRTLESS!

AllReaders: (swoon) Yay! Shirtless!Jack.

AllReadersWhoAren'tJackFans: Dude, get a grip on yourselves.

Jack: I must say, you are quite the wild one.

Ethel: (cradles head) My head hurts.

Jack: (comes over with a compassionate look in his eyes - )

CynicalReader: Ok, stop right there. Can anyone actually imagine that Jack would do something like that? Wouldn't he just laugh and tell you to stop making such a fuss over nothing?

AngryReader: This is fan**fiction**. And in fanfiction characters have a right to go out of character to further along the romance storyline. It's like an unwritten law for bad writers. And besides, who wouldn't want a big bad pirate go all soft over a girl?

CynicalReader: Good point. My bad.

Jack: You okay love? It looks like you drank a lot last night.

Ethel: (mumbles) What happened last night?

Jack: Sorry, can't hear you there love!

Ethel: (glares)

Jack: Just kidding! You passed out after your little "dance" and I carried you here to my bed with me.

Ethel: (frightened helpless look)

CynicalReader: Yes, because all big bad pirates are so turned on by frightened helpless looks.

HappyReader: Just because you can't get dates!

CynicalReader: Shut up.

Jack: (reassuringly) Don't worry, the monkey here made sure nothing happened between us. (bitter look at the monkey)

Wesley: Damn straight! (gives a menacing stare)

Jack: And besides, I don't swing that way. I try to keep my company to my own species.

Ethel: Well that's good news. (hangover miraculously clears up). So where are we?

Jack: You're aboard the Black Pearl!

(Silence)

Ethel: Seriously?

Jack: Uh huh – er, I mean, aye!

Ethel: Crap.

I know nothing a lot happened there, but I've got school! School! Grrrr…..

FanFicLover90 – Thank you so much for your review! If you've read many Mary Sues, you can probably figure out how Ethel and Jack get together – in a very lame and contrived way. This will be no different!

Ace's Buddy – Muchos gracias on the review!

Lovova – Thank you for your review! And thank you so much for telling me that my anonymous reviewer thingy was disabled. I had no idea! Just goes to show how long I've been away …

Again, I don't want my baby taken down again, so if something about this story is going against rules, please tell me so that I can rectify it!


	7. Chapter 7

DISCLAIMER: POTC belongs to Disney; the Funny belongs to Erin from TWoP.

Jack left quickly leaving Ethel and Wesley to stew in what was indeed their own mess in the Captain's Quarters.

Ethel: Now what do we do?

Wesley: (exasperated sigh) My word, you are missing a couple of crayons from the box aren't you?

Ethel: (blank stare) …

Wesley: Don't you remember anything about what I said on the first night I met you?

Ethel: (blank stare) …

Wesley: What about that pendant? Anything there?

Ethel: (blank stare) … Pen-dant? Oh! You mean that shiny thing hanging from my … my … thing that connects head to body?

Wesley: Yes that's right! That's the key to the treasure that Sparrow has the map to!

Ethel: Trea-sure?

Wesley: Oh sweet mother of mercy!

Wesley went on to summarise the first couple of chapters explaining the plot. He stopped, then realised that he hadn't got the right story up, but some Mary Sue fic. He thought about closing it and getting the right one but then realised that the plots were exactly the same. Ethel nodded and blinked a couple of times.

(An hour later)

Wesley: Now do you understand what we have to do?

Ethel: (blank stare) …

Wesley: (cries)

Another hour passed and Ethel finally understood what they had to do.

Ethel: So I have to work with Captain Jack Sparrow to get the treasure right?

Wesley: YES!

BoredReader: Good, I was getting bored of that whole bit.

Wesley: Now the next plan of action is to persuade Jack to let us work on the ship as one of the crew, reveal our "key", take a look at the map, find the treasure and get him to fall in love with us – I mean, you.

Ethel: How?

Wesley: Well, what is the one thing that you can always trust a pirate to have?

SmartReader: Bad use of personal pronouns!

CynicalReader: Bad teeth!

Wesley: No! An obsession with treasure! Now together with your "stunningly good looks" I think we have a pretty good chance of pulling this off.

Ethel: You seem to have done this before.

Wesley: (narrows eyes in suspicion) That's very shrewd of you. I think you may need to read this. (hands over book) Just to put you on the right track.

(The book reads "The Dummies guide to being a Dumb Mary Sue")

Ethel: (blank look) Read?

Wesley: (takes back book, relieved) Or maybe not.

Ethel walked out onto the deck and surveyed the scene. She saw the crew working hard around her and Jack at the helm.

PickyReader: Hold the phone! How is it, that none of the crew realise that some blonde chicky just walked out of the Captain's Quarters?

Author: Because as I said before, they're "working hard", and besides who would really think twice about some blonde chicky walking out of _Captain Jack Sparrow's_ Quarters.

PickyReader: Too right, carry on.

The wind tugged Ethel's golden locks as the –

CynicalReader: Here it comes, another craptastic description of how "dazzling the sparkles of the sun are that are reflected from the still surface of the sea" or how "the salty scent of the wind delighted Ethel and stirred something deep in her memory". I betcha the author has been nowhere near the ocean; let alone sailing on a boat.

Author: OK, one more peep from you missy, and you're out! You're stealing all of my "good storylines" and "plot twists!" And I have _so_ been sailing! Wait, do school sailing lessons on the river count?

AllReaders: (shake head in unison)

HappyReader: Cool … air quotes.

- sun reflected off the still surface of the sea in dazzling sparkles. The salty scent of the wind delighted Ethel and stirred something deep in her memory. She wondered at it and was called back from her reverie when a voice sounded close to her ear.

ExpectantReader: This is the part where Jack rabbles on about the Black Pearl and freedom.

ObservantReader: Isn't that the same drunken conversation he had with Elizabeth in the movie?

ExpectantReader: Yeah, but the author couldn't think up of anything creative to fill in the moment.

PickyReader: How the hell did he get so close without Wesley noticing?

Wesley: (offstage and in a directors chair eating a bagel) Hey! I can't be everywhere you know!

Jack: Rabble, rabble, freedom, rabble, rabble, the Black Pearl, rabble, rabble, my mother used to dress me up in pink dresses, rabble, rabble.

Wesley: Pink dresses? Seriously dude?

Just then, Will walked over -

WillFans: (drool)

JackFans: (gag)

Will: Did someone say pink dresses? Pink dresses are _so_ last season. Everybody knows now that coral is the new pink. Coral peoples!

Will, a young man with a dashing smile and blah blah blah blah and we all know what Orlando Bloom looks like mmmkay?

Will: Jack darling! Introduce me to this friend of yours!

Jack: (busy staring into Ethel's eyes which were indeed, the colour of the sea, startled) Huh? Wha? Er…Will Turner, Ethel …

Ethel: Moonshine.

Jack: Right, Will Turner, Ethel Moonshine and Mr. Wesley. Ethel Moonshine, Will Turner. Mr. Wesley, Will Turner.

Wesley: Oooh, "Mr" I could get used to that!

With the greetings over, Gibbs came over and the whole thing started again.

Jack: Ethel Moonshine, Mr. Gibbs. Mr. Wesley, Mr. Gibbs. Mr. Gibbs, Ethel Moonshine. Mr. Gibbs, Mr. Wesley.

When those greeting were over, Norrington came over and the whole thing started again. Again.

Jack: Ethel Moonshine, James Norrington. Mr. Wesley, James Norrington.

By this time, the entire crew came over, but Jack was too lazy for individual introductions.

MeanReader: More like the author was too lazy.

Author: Meany!

Jack: Everyone, this is Ethel Moonshine and Mr Wesley. Please make them feel as welcome as possible.

Satisfied, everyone went back to work. Jack instructed AnaMaria to show Ethel where she would be sleeping. Wesley slipped off her shoulder to hide behind a barrel and listen to in on Jack and Mr. Gibbs's conversation.

CynicalReader: If he starts going on about bad luck I will –

Gibbs: It's bad luck to have women aboard Jack.

CynicalReader: If he says it'll be worse luck, I swear, I will –

Jack: It'll be worse if we don't.

CynicalReader: …

HappyReader: Will what?

CynicalReader: (trying to think up a good threat) Stop reading this fic?

HappyReader: Bwah! As if you can!

CynicalReader: Touché.

REVIEW ME! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TOO! ESPECIALLY THE ANONYMOUS ONES BECAUSE THEY CAN NOW!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Am I doing anything wrong? If I am, hollaback girl. Ew. I can't believe I just used that phrase (shudder). I don't want this fic taken down!

Disclaimer: Why do I have to do this every time? POTC doesn't belong to me and I'm not making any money off this. If I was, I'd be sitting in a holiday home in Majorca.

The moonlight from the open porthole fell upon a lithe, slender body of a beautiful girl in her early twenties thrashing around in her sleep –

AngryReader: Oh yeah, they're _always_ in their early twenties. What was so good about my early twenties? All I remember from that time was bad fashion and David Bowie.

HappyReader: Don't forget about that time when you got dumped by George Wilson.

AngryReader: Hey, _I _dumped George Wilson thank you very much! I didn't even touch his frickin' used keyboards collection!

AllReaders: Right …

PickyReader: Ew. David Bowie.

Ethel: (rolling around) No, no … not the bunnies! God! NOT THE BUNNIES!

(Using our special Reader powers, we are able to see into Ethel's nightmare)

Ethel stands in a field of evil pumpkins, ready to attack. They are advancing and surrounding her means of escape in all directions. She screams and finds herself in a fire lit cave, staring down at a hole in the ground about the size of a coin. "Look down" a taunting voice echoes. Ethel looks down and is sucked down it to pleading, agonised screams. She sees a young blonde girl, crying, looking on to what must be her mother, being dragged away by pirates. The little girl's father was lying on the beach, dead from trying to defend his wife. The young girl is picked up roughly by a pair of dirty hands. She struggles for escape but is knocked out instantly.

She is now on the edge of a cliff, looking down as the waves collide with the rocks below. Tears clouding her eyes, Ethel jumps. She lands into a pool of clamouring bunnies.

Ethel: (sits bolt upright) Gah! (breathes heavily)

Wesley: (in his own smaller hammock) Who? Wha? Where? When? The hell?

Ethel: It's okay, I just had a bad dream. Go back to sleep. I'm going out for some fresh air.

Ethel walked out onto the deck and followed the railing to the bow of the ship, looking out at the stars. Who was the girl in her dreams? Was it her? Where is her mother now? This must mean that she was slowly regaining her memory.

CynicalReader: Duh.

While in the midst of her ponderings, a voice broke the silence.

SympatheticReader: Whoa! Didn't she just remember that her parents are kinda like – dead?

PickyReader: Why is it that all the Mary Sues' parents are always dead? That is just so morbid.

CynicalReader: It just goes to show how unhappy the Mary Sues' authors are with their parents, remember, they _are_ based on them. And besides, it gives them much more freedom to go off and have their little 'adventures'.

SympatheticReader: I love my parents!

Author: Could we please stop talking about parents, you're ruining the future plotlines of my story!

Jack: Stargazing huh?

Ethel: (spins around) Uh huh.

Jack: (leans back on rail) Why are you up so late?

Ethel: (blushes for NO REASON WHATSOEVER) I couldn't sleep. Bad dream.

The two of them were standing close together. Too close, thought Ethel and tried to move away. Just as she tried to do that, Jack's arm wrapped around her waist.

Jack: (whispering into Ethel's ear) Where do you think you're going?

Ethel: (gulp)

ObservantReader: Away from you jackass!

AnticipatingReader (aka HornyReader): SHUT UP!

ObservantReader: _(squeak)_

Ethel spun to face Jack. He was leaning closer and closer. Their lips were about to touch when a yell came down from the crow's nest.

InterruptingPirate: Captain! There's a ship up ahead!

PickyReader: Ok, I swear, there's a more pirate-y way of saying that.

HappyReader: Like what?

Author: (blank stare that mirrors Ethel's from the chapter before) …

Jack left her immediately, before Ethel's –

AngryReader: - very small

- brain could begin to comprehend what had just happened.

CynicalReader: But of course, as she is a Mary Sue, her mind was on only one thing.

Ethel: (thinking) (whooshing wind noise) He … almost … kissed … me! (cricket chirps) (more whooshing wind noises)

AngryReader: That was an amazingly stupid chapter.

HappyReader: I thought it was getting better at the end.

CynicalReader: No, we were just getting drunker honey.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (dude, I am _so _obsessed!) A/N: Or at least I used to be …

REVIEW ME! I'LL GIVE YOU FREE DAQUIRIS! Okay, maybe not … but still.

Merrybean – Thank you very much for your review! I'll let you in on a secret … I am guilty of a self-insertion in this fic, because I AM Wesley. Or, Wesley says what I want to. Keep reading!

Rionarch – Thanks very much for the review! I love you too! How good was DMC! Yeah, you probably already know that if you're here. Personally I am a Jack/OC shipper, for obvious reasons, but there are some pretty crazy stuff out there!

FanFicLover – Hee! I wonder which group you belong to!

Ace's Buddy – Ah, CynicalReader hates Jack's compassionate look, 'tis true, but deep down, we all love it. But honestly can you REALLY imagine Jack EVER being compassionate, caring or nice? Because I really can't (within character) unless he had some personal gain. Oh well, a girl can dream right?


	9. Chapter 9

It is now the holidays. Holidays more time. More time more chapters.

Disclaimer: See previous chapter.

There was mass panic on the deck. Or excitement, Ethel couldn't tell. Everyone was getting ready for battle. Because everyone knows that pirates _love _battles. Not love like as you would love your mother, but more like love like "you would love to get ice creams waiting for you each hot day after school". Anyway, back to the story. Excitement. Deck. Ethel. Standing there like an idiot.

Jack: (goes into pirate mode) Get ready to board everyone! I'll be in my cabin to get my lucky bonnet.

Wesley: (comes out from room to run up and sit on Ethel's shoulder) Bonnet? That guy is definitely not telling you the whole truth.

Ethel: (stares at Jack's retreating back) Isn't he dreamy?

Wesley: Snap out of it! We have our lives to defend, flashbacks to be flashed back to, traumas to be dealt with, skills to realise, captains to fall in love with and drownings to be accomplished! Now chop chop!

The Black Pearl was drawing nearer and nearer to the other ship which happened to be a –

CynicalReader: Toy sailing boat!

HappyReader: Catamaran!

StupidReader: A bus!

_- merchant vessel._

PickyReader: Ah, yes. That's the money quote.

Jack came striding out, pink-laced bonnet in lieu of his usual oddly shaped hat.

Claire: That's a good sight.

Author: How the hell did you get into my story?

Claire: I have powers you can't even begin to imagine.

Ethel: Hey! You're stealing my future lines!

Danielle: Quiet you.

Ethel: (droopy voice) Yes miss.

Author: (stares at Danielle) I give up. Help yourselves to some drinks over there. You're going to need them after this chapter.

Jack: Prepare to board!

People rush around. There are some grapple hooks involved. Lots of swinging rope action. Pirate-y stuff happens. Pirates are boarding the ship. Helpless merchants on the other ship - called the Bumbling Buffoon - are fighting. The pirates are winning the fight. Swords are pinging, or whatever sounds swords make. Zwing, zwing, zwing.

Danielle: Those are lightsaber sounds.

Author: Shut up, or I'll tell everyone about your Mark Hamill shrine.

Danielle: Wench.

Claire: Light – what now?

PickyReader: Oh yes, when the author is lazy, resort to a paragraph with bad sentences. Hell, they're not even right sentences but fragments of sentences.

HappyReader: It gets the job done doesn't it?

Author: If you didn't like it, just substitute it with the scene from the movie where Barbossa and crew are boarding the Interceptor. Just replace Barbossa with Jack.

BarbossaFan: Mmmmm … Barbossa.

Everyone Else: No. Not right.

In the middle of all of this, Ethel was still standing on the same spot, not moving from her position. At all.

Jack: You know you really shouldn't be here love. How about you stay in my cabin until everything (dagger whizzes past ear) settles down a bit?

Ethel: Okie dokie.

Ethel skipped merrily to the doors leading to Jack's room, completely oblivious to the fighting that was taking place only mere metres away from her. She opened the door and barricaded herself in. Always a smart move when there is danger right outside your door.

Ethel: Now all we have to do is sit right here and wait.

Wesley: For what?

It seemed that the monkey's query had triggered something, for there was a large pounding on the door.

UnidentifiedMale: Let's see what Captain Jack Sparrow has locked up in here!

The door was broken open and in stormed a pirate. He was tall, a gangrel creature with an ill-favoured look about him. His enormous beard hid most of the pale face that turned to a frightened Ethel, sitting on the bed. His face seemed vaguely familiar.

CynicalReader: Vaguely familiar? Why doesn't she just put in – "He was her father" or "He killed her parents" or "He saved her" or "He was her long lost brother who used to like to spit wads into her hair"?

AngryReader: Spitwads? What are we in, year four?

UnidentifiedMale: Well, I see that Sparrow has good taste. What's your name lass?

Ethel: E … e … e … e …

UM: Come on, out with it!

Ethel: Eve? No. Erin? Erica? Evelyn? No. Ethel! That's right! Ethel.

Ethel looked quickly around for Wesley, but he was nowhere in sight. Of all the times that she needed him, this was the time he chose to bolt. Coward.

UM: I think I'll be taking you back with me. Find out exactly why Sparrow has kept you for so long.

PickyReader: Isn't his ship kinda in trouble? Since the Black Pearl's crew were winning. And wasn't the ship that they attacked carried merchants, not pirates? And why did it suddenly get so dark?

SmartReader: We just fell in a plothole, jackass.

The UnidentifiedMale lunged and grabbed Ethel's hair, but just as he leant over she saw a pendant around her neck. The very same one as hers but in reverse design.

Let's play "Spot the Lord of the Rings Quote" here shall we? You have to tell me where it is in the chapter, where in the movie/book it is, who says it, and to who.

REVIEW ME! I LOVE REVIEWS LIKE A FAT KID LOVE CAKE.


	10. Chapter 10

No-one really reads this bit in the beginning, so on with the story!

Disclaimer: Disney owns POTC, Tolkien owns LOTR.

Ethel: (gibbers) The … pendant … I … have …

UnidentifiedMale: Shut up! (clobs Ethel around the head hard and good)

Ethel: Ow!

AllReaders: Yay!

Ethel was dragged, unconscious towards the side of the ship by this man. He stopped when Jack appeared, bloody and triumphant from the battle.

UM: Well well, Jack Sparrow isn't it?

Jack: Er. Do I know you? Hey! You've got my woman there!

UM: Not yours anymore. Mwahahahaha. (spots that his ship is being rigged with explosives) Cough. Ah, maybe we can sort this out over a nice bottle of rum?

Jack: I think not. (draws sword) Let her go or I'll poke you with this here pointy contraption.

A yell sounded behind the pirate captain –

PickyReader: Nice way of showing some difference in the writing. Not referring to a character by name.

HappyReader: Are you being sarcastic?

PickyReader: You know, I can't really tell anymore.

HappyReader: Huh.

- , it was one of the sailors of the Bumbling Buffoon. He had freed himself of the ropes binding him to the mast pole and began to free his fellow sailors. The crew of the Black Pearl were completely taken at unawares as they were witnessing the exchange between the grizzly pirate and their captain instead of minding the prisomers as they should've done. Jack turned around to help his crew into binding the sailors again, completely ignoring the fact that Ethel was in danger.

CynicalReader: This also serves the dual purpose of distracting Jack so that Ethel can prove her "fighting abilities".

HappyReader: Why do you have to be so cynical?

CynicalReader: I don't think your name should be HappyReader anymore. It should be something more fitting like "DoubleDigitIQReader".

OptimisticReader: That was harsh.

AttentiveReader: Pipe down guys, stuff's happening.

Ethel scrabbled in vain to loosen the grip on her hair. Biting, kicking, screaming and slapping proved useless over the yells of battling pirates. Her flailing hands made contact with the handle of a sword. She deftly picked it up with fingers that remembered what she herself didn't. It was like as if that sword unlocked a barrier in her as she clamped her captor's arm and twisted. The man yelled and she felt his grip loosen. She quickly stood up and faced her attacker with the sword held perfectly between them. Needless to say, she kicked his butt thoroughly and professionally with style. Jumps, kicks, parries and much ducking followed. She finally killed the man but not before acquiring a possibly fatal wound of her own. She was stabbed in the stomach. Buffy-style. Ouch. She fell down to her knees and grabbed the man's pendant, ripping it off before she fainted.

CynicalReader: -

ObsessiveReader: Don't start. We all knew that this was coming.

CynicalReader: _squeak_

The Lord of the Rings quote was – "The door was broken open and in stormed a pirate. He was tall, **a gangrel creature with an ill-favoured look about him**. His enormous beard hid most of the pale face that turned to a frightened Ethel, sitting on the bed."

It was Faramir descibing Gollum in The Two Towers to Sam and Frodo in Henneth Annun. I'm a geek. It's established fact, you don't need to inform me.

I think this story is a strong testimony that someone with absolutely no knowledge of ships or the sea can base an entire story on that particular location. Go me!

Saber Apricot – I hope you're still reading this! If not, that's okay, the script-format is not everyone's cup of tea. Thanks for your kind review anyway!

Ace's Buddy – Nothing wrong with being a little self-absorbed! Haha. I made Ethel and Jack kiss! That has to be worth something!

Music nerd – No words can express what I feel at the moment. Except for – ARE YOU MY TWIN! Because you are awesome and so am I, so we must be long lost twins. There really is nothing wrong with reading/writing Mary Sues, really! As long as you don't take it too seriously and don't try to hurt yourself when you get reviews like "this is a Mary Sue", you're fine. Love you!

AAA – Thank you for your review! No, **I** am CynicalReader! Haha. Nah, I've found out that CynicalReader is a lot of people.

Merrybean – Thank you so much for your continued read-age! Who didn't like (still likes) David Bowie? Really.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.

CynicalReader: (whispers) What are we going to do with her?

OptimisticReader: I don't know, but I'm sure she'll be fine.

PickyReader: How can anyone be fine after a brutal stabbing like that?

CynicalReader: She's a Mary Sue after all which means super healing powers.

AllReaders: Ah, of course, super healing powers.

Ethel opened her eyes to find herself lying comfortably on a nice squishy bed. A moment after this realisation, the sharp pain in her stomach came flooding back in full force. So much that she nearly fell unconscious again.

Jack: There love, hang in there. You'll be alright. Jack is taking good care of you now.

ObsessiveReader: Okay, who talks in the third person anymore besides Elmo?

Ethel: (struggles to look up) Where … what … when … what happened?

Jack: You killed that man, that's what you did! I'm impressed, where did you learn to fight like that?

Author: I'm sorry guys, I've totally and completely lost the "voice" for Jack. I haven't watched the movie in ages, and I've moved onto a new "obsession".

Danielle: Betrayal-cakes!

Author: No! Never! I'll be good!

Ethel: I don't remember, but when I picked up that sword, it's like, it all came flooding back you know?

Apparently, Jack didn't know, but to mask the awkward silence, he pulled away the blankets to check on Ethel's wound.

Wesley: Day-um, that's hot.

Ethel: Where the hell were you? Just when I was about to get killed, you run off! Some protector you are!

Wesley: Did I say protector?

Ethel: Um, I … don't remember but you –

Wesley: EXCUSE ME, BUT DID I SAY PROTECTOR? I'm merely here to guide you to a higher purpose.

Ethel: And what might that be may I ask?

Wesley: Not in front of the L-O-V-E-I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T.

Ethel: Oh, right.

Jack: You're healing up quite nicely. Faster than is expected. You're quite an unusual one aren't you?

Ethel: (giggles)

AllReaders: (groan)

Jack covered Ethel again to keep her warm and Ethel relished in his warm touch. Jack leant close and Ethel held her breath, waiting. In a flash, he grinned and left Ethel with a wink.

Wesley: Um, the hell?

AllReaders: Just kiss already!

CynicalReader: Oh god, it's like Season 1 of Alias all over again!

That was the second time he had almost kissed her. Ethel didn't want to admit it, but this was also the second time where she didn't mind or refuse being kissed.

Ethel: I don't like Jack Sparrow. I have no feelings for him. I don't love -

Ethel looked towards the monkey as he opened his mouth to say something, but found that there was something terribly wrong. She grasped at her neck but found that her pendant was gone! Gone! And the one that she had ripped off the man that she had killed was gone as well. She looked around frantically, only to find that they were nowhere in sight.

Ethel: Wesley, it's gone!

Wesley: Gone!

Ethel: Yes, gone!

Wesley: What are we going to do?

Ethel's heartbeat quickened and she felt her blood boil with anger. What else could've possibly happened to it? Jack must've took it while she was unconscious. The nerve of him! And to think that she was developing feelings for him!

Ethel: Oh, he'll pay for what he did!

Ethel sat up, dressed in her clothes, stood up and made for the door with Wesley securely on her shoulder. She strode out onto the deck to find herself stumbling and buffeted by the wild waves and the winds. She looked around for Jack but suddenly felt lightheaded. She felt Wesley jump off her shoulder when the world started to spin and she became dizzy. She had a faint recollection of falling before a loud splash.

Please forgive me if I happen to use some lines from previous chapters. I'm losing the "funny".

-You never had the "funny". You copied the "funny" from Regina-

Shut up!

**I expect my email inbox to be inundated with review alerts! Got that? Inundated!**


	12. Chapter 12

AN: You know what you should read? "The Secret to Hell Water" by Raya and "Inconvenient" by, an author's whose name I forgot. Seriously, they're so worth it.

Ethel: (gurgle gurgle gurgle)

Jack noticed a large splash of water and Wesley on the side of the ship pointing downwards. Without even thinking, Jack leapt into the violent ocean to rescue the girl.

PickyReader: Just like that? Without even attaching a rope to himself? He's crazy!

ObsessiveReader: Don't we all know it? He walks like he's drunk all the time!

JackFans: (swoon) (sigh)

Will: (shrieks) No you cannot go down there! You'll get your couture wet! Nooooo!

The wind lashed at the crew's faces and Will's frantic screaming went unheard. They were all busy trying to maintain the ship from capsizing. Just as all hope was lost in Will, Jack's head broke the turbulent surface of the water with an unconscious girl clinging around his neck. Thinking quickly, Will threw down a coil of rope to Jack who immediately grabbed hold of it. Together with Gibbs and 6 other people of the crew who still as of yet have no names, Will hoisted Jack and Ethel to the deck. Spluttering water, Jack looked over to Ethel to see if she was all right. She wasn't breathing.

Nothing seemed to be obstructing her breathing passage so Jack bent over her to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

PickyReader: Er, was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation even developed in the 17th century?

HappyReader: Oh, who cares, this is Pirates of the Caribbean for goodness sakes! There's _remaining_ _Cortez treasure_ in it!

Ethel coughed and spat out the water. Wesley went over to her, looking concerned.

Jack: Thought you'd take a little swim in the ocean there didn't you love?

Author: Again, totally lost the voice for Jack I'm afraid.

CynicalReader: Just add "love" or "savvy" to the end of each sentence and you'll be right.

Ethel gave him an embarrassed smile that evaporated quickly as she remembered the reason why she came out here.

Ethel: You!

Jack: Yes, me.

ObservantReader: Aren't they still in the middle of a violent storm?

CynicalReader: Yes, but when the Mary Sue has an important bit in the storyline, the other things don't matter. Such as the weather, the numerous people around them and sometimes, the laws of physics.

Jack: (looks around for the source of the conversation) Whoever said that was right. We better get you out of this storm love or you'll catch a cold.

And with that, Jack promptly threw a screaming, angry Ethel over his shoulder and carried her back to his cabin.

Ethel: Let me go!

Jack: Okay. (drops Ethel on the ground of his cabin) There, ya happy now?

Ethel: (sulkily) Yes.

Jack: I best be off, I have a crew to prevent from drowning.

Ethel: Wait. Stay. Stay with me.

ObservantReader: Has someone been watching Daredevil lately?

Author: (shifty eyes) No. (shifty eyes)

Ben.Lo Fan: Mmmmm … Ben Affleck.

POTCFans: (grabs pitchforks and torches and chases all annoying Ben Affleck Teeny Mimi Fans out of the story. BATMF all run away screaming)

Jack hesitated as he turned to walk out the door and turned around to face the girl. She looked pitiful in that state. Wet, tired, injured but most of all … desperate for human company. Jack felt that pity ache in his heart. He walked over to Ethel and lifted her up into his arms.

Jack: (whispers) I know who you are love. I've seen your pendant and that man's before.

Before Ethel could even react to this news, Jack leaned in and kissed her.

Dedicated to: Whoever wrote that absolutely hysterical LOTR Mary Sue fanfic here at I'm sorry, but I read it such a long time ago and I forgot your penname. If anyone knows it, I would be ever so happy if you found it. It was about a Mary Sue (whose father was an orc) falling in love with Legolas. Hee!

Fuzzyone – Thanks for your cool review! Mmm, jello (we like to call it jelly here) and Flan. I actually have no idea what Flan is, but it sounds delicious!

Boandpop – Thanks for your review! And I've finally found someone who uses "dude" and "seriously" as well! And aren't all Mary Sue fics comprised of 'large wads of lies and badly thought-out plotlines' anyway? Hee!

…too lazy to log in – Muchos gracias for the review! Yeah, fanfic is so definitely my guilty pleasure.

Ace's Buddy – Did I make an unintentional reference to 50 cent? Oh dear god, if I did, tell me where so I can delete it immediately! Yeah, (raises hand) Buffy nerd here. Is the phrase "pointy contraption" from Buffy too? Because I've been using it for ages and thinking that I was so cool and clever. Huh, guess that that must've seeped into my sub-consciousness!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: POTC belongs to Disney.

Jack slowly broke away from the kiss to leave a breathless Ethel grasped in his arms.

Jack: That wasn't your first kiss, was it love?

Ethel: (nods, breathes heavily)

PickyReader: How can that be her first kiss? She's bloody in her "early twenties" for goodness sakes!

PertReader: (whispers) She must've been really ugly before.

HappyReader: Or really fat.

CynicalReader: Or really stupid.

(All Readers pause for a moment)

AllReaders: Pretty sure it was the latter.

SmartReader: Ahem, as a Mary Sue Specialist, the reason the author put this is as Ethel's "first kiss" because who wouldn't want their first kiss to be with Jack Sparrow? And besides, all Mary Sue authors have no lives whatsoever so they may not even have kissed anyone yet.

Author: What are you implying of me?

SmartReader: (trembles) N-n-nothing miss. Only that you're more beautiful than the sun rising over the freshly dew settled mountains that –

Author: Silence wench!

SmartReader: Eeep!

Jack grinned at her and leant in for another kiss.

CynicalReader: Here we go. Here comes a stupid description on how "passionate" and "fiery" the kiss was.

The passion behind it all made Ethel's knees buckle. Luckily, she was still held firmly by Jack. Yada yada yada the kiss became fiery, yada yada yada, Jack's tongue parted her lips, yada yada yada Wesley sneaked up between them and got some action.

AttentiveReader: Ew! What!

Author: Scratch that last bit out. Just checking to see if anyone was paying attention!

AllReaders: (rubs eyes with some cleaning fluid) Yeah … too much attention.

Jack: I love you.

Ethel: I love … cake. I mean you! I love you! Sorry, been catching reruns of That 70's show.

Will: Yeah that Ashton Kutcher is hot right?

Jack: How the hell did you get in here? Hello? We're having a private moment here! Private! Get out!

Will: (slinks away) Sorry.

ObsessiveReader: What? "I love you" already? They only just met! They haven't even had a proper conversation yet!

WiseReader: Love is a feeling that is realised only by those who are brave enough to admit it, little grasshopper.

CynicalReader: Oh shut up! Hey, David Carradine just called, he wants his line back! And take that stupid robe off you, it looks ridiculous!

WiseReader: Those who are concerned by superficiality are not at peace with their inner self.

CynicalReader: (ignores the Kung-Fu master wannabe) Oh please, I've seen an "I love you" in the third chapter. And it wasn't even a flashback!

Jack: I love you. Even though I know who you are.

Wesley: Just get onto it man! Do you know how much bleach I'm gonna have to use on my eyes just to clear out the image of you two gettin' it on!

Ethel: Who? I need to know! I lost my memory and now I have no idea who I am.

Jack: Really? I didn't know that!

Ethel: Yeah, well, if you had at least _tried_ to listen to me, you would've known! I don't like the way you take me for granted Jack!

Wesley: Oh you guys are sooo married.

Jack: (ignores the last mood swing as there is much expository dialogue up ahead) You are Captain Ethel Moonshine, one of the most fearsome pirate in the Caribbean. You sailed aboard the White Swan. Your father held the two keys needed to unlock the treasure. He entrusted me with the map to the treasure. I don't know how that man came to have one of the keys or how you came to have one of the keys.

(Silence)

Ethel: What? Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I saw something shiny over there and I decided to play with it. Could you please repeat it?

Jack: (groan) Fine. You are Captain Ethel Moonshine, one of the most fearsome pirates in the Caribbean. You sailed aboard the White Swan. Your father held the two keys needed to unlock the treasure. He entrusted me with the map to the treasure. I don't know how that man came to have one of the keys or how you came to have one of the keys.

Author: Copy and paste-y goodness.

Ethel: I have a ship? (faints)

CynicalReader: Ah yes, in true Mary Sue-style, the exposition was done in an utterly uncreative way. Kudos to you!

Author: Thank you.

CynicalReader: But why does she faint so much?

Author: Well, loads of reasons really. So she can fall into Jack's awaiting arms, makes a "dramatic" end to the chapter and because she really is a dainty little thing. Even though she was the "most fearsome pirate in the Caribbean".

CynicalReader: Gotcha.


	14. The YouJack chapter Part 1

This is the chapter that I have been looking forward to most. I've been thinking of doing one of these since way back in chapter 4. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, it's the YouJack Chapter!

Just keep in mind – You equals Ethel. Ethel equals You.

You open your eyes to fluttering candlelight illuminating the face of Captain Jack Sparrow. You find yourself lying on the floor without any recollection of how you got there. Then it all came flooding back to you. You were a pirate. You had the keys to the treasure and the man that was gently lifting you up and carrying you to his bed had the map to the treasure.

You: Jack is it true. What you just said. Am I really a pirate?

Jack: Yes love. One of the best I may say! Get some rest; you've had a very trying day.

CynicalReader: "Trying day?" TRYING DAY? She's been stabbed, drowned and fainted in the course of the past 24 hours!

As the door snapped shut, you closed your eyes, willing yourself to go to sleep. But with all of this new information in your teeny tiny Mary Sue brain, how could you? The bed was so comfortable though and your blankets so warm. You felt yourself slowly drifting off to sleep, borne upon the waves of slumber.

There were loud bangs and screams outside.

YoungReader: Omigod! The ship is under attack again! Run for your lives! Hide!

PickyReader: Again? Are we using old plots again?

Author: If you even _bothered _to pay any attention, you will notice those little thingumabobs on top indicate a flashback/memory/dream/prophecy/vision thing!

AllReaders: Oh.

The seaside port where you lived was under attack. You and your parents were together just inside the door of your house, prepared to make a dash for the fort. Your father had gathered his sword and pistol in order to defend his wife and daughter. The panic and fear between your parents was palpable, even to your 4-year-old self. Your father gave your tearful mother a hurried kiss before pressing something into her hand. He then turned to you and smiled. He kneeled down until he was at your eye level and pushed something that your tiny hands could barely grasp.

"Take this. If anything should happen to me, look for the treasure. Keep it secret and safe. Promise me that"

"What's going to happen to you dada?" You ask. He merely smiled grimly, kissed you on the forehead and whispered "I love you darling" before wrenching open the door.

Your family made it as far as the beach. Along the way, your mother who shielded your eyes from the slaughter carried you. But then, you feel your mother being yanked to the side and her grip of you loosens. Your father was too busy fighting off a pirate to notice. You fall onto the sand and watch your mother being dragged by a pirate towards a small rowboat. She screams and pleads for her daughter and you try to run towards her before being picked up roughly by a pair of dirty hands. You struggle around to scream for your father, but you see him dead on the ground nearby. You scream and cry so loudly that your captor knocks you unconscious.

Author: All right guys. Let it rip.

PickyReader: "Keep it secret, keep it safe"? Yeah, I'll do that … Gandalf!

CynicalReader: Well, at least that speech wasn't on her father's deathbed, as they always seem to be.

PedanticReader: Why does every sentence start with a personal pronoun?

ObsessiveReader: Was that supposed to be _sad_?

You wake up the next morning upon a hammock that was swaying slightly. You don't remember how you got there or have any memories before waking.

PickyReader: My gosh, there's more amnesia in this fic than a soap!

InattentiveReader: Are we still in the flashback?

AllReaders: (in unison) Yes.

There was something in your hand and you opened it, eager for some information on who you are. You find a silver 4 pointed star shaped pendant with a large, perfectly round black pearl set amidst it. Hoping for an inscription that'll give some clue to your identity, you turned it over only to find that it was blank.

Over the next 12 years, you worked on what you found to realise was a pirate ship. Learning the ways of the sea and how to fight took up the days when you weren't raiding or pillaging. You were named Ethel by the captain who took you in as a father. When he died, he gave you his ship, the White Swan for you to captain. The crew respected you as you led them to many victories and many of them sent home countless amounts of riches. There was nothing more in life that you wanted besides the open sea, your ship and your loyal and trusty crew. That idyllic life came to a close however on a balmy summer's night as you were heading towards Tortuga.

DUN DUN DUN! Oooh! Cliffhanger! No, not really, I'm just really tired and I want to get this chapter up.

For the most part, this was mainly an expository chapter, not a funny one.

You know the drill, review now … or else.

Boandpop – No way! Because that fic (you ARE talking about the LOTR on right?) was the reason I started writing too! It was seriously the most hilarious thing I've ever read and have been searching high and low since, trying to find it again.

Music nerd – Oh no! Don't cry! I'm still just as obsessed as ever. Remember, I did write this a few years ago, when POTC had been out for ages and I had already dissected it to death. I moved on a bit. I deleted what I moved onto in this posting because, well it is a bit dated. How interesting was that! Thanks for painstakingly counting the number of 'a' 'h' and '!' you used. It's dedication like that that makes me proud to be a ff writer. I LOVE your detailed account of the kiss. I honestly can't write that stuff, but if, by your permission, I could use it? … name the price and we may have an accord, savvy?

Merrybean – I shall keep rocking. Stupid Ben Assfleck. I hate him only because I LOVE Jennifer Garner and the thought of having that bloated and puffy man's baby is horrifying.

Ace's Buddy – Which episode was "Something Blue"? I'm not to familiar with the episode titles I'm afraid except for like the really major ones like "Hush" and "Innocence" or was it "Innocent"? Can't remember. Inundated is good. Like to be swamped or overwhelmed.


	15. The YouJack chapter Part 2

It's the YouJack chapter Part Deux!

Just for anyone who doesn't realise, You equals Ethel, Ethel equals You, all clear?

The White Swan was heading towards Tortuga for a short stay in order for your crew to release some, er, tension from those long, lonely nights out at sea. Of course none of them would try anything with you as you have super fighting abilities even though you probably weigh less than half of any of them.

ListMakingReader: Ok, so that's super healing powers and super fighting abilities. Check and check.

But trouble struck when you were nearing the island. A ferocious storm hit suddenly, (as they so often do in the Caribbean of course!) but that didn't worry you. You were the famed Captain Ethel Moonshine!

ObservantReader: Already with the arrogance! Just like Jack.

Jack: That's Captain Jack Sparrow to yo -.

AllReaders: Ah shut up.

You battled the violent winds and the unpredictable waves. You were going to get through this your head told you, yet in your heart, you knew this would be the last time you'd ever see your crew sailing on your beloved White Swan. You were at the helm, trying hard to steer your ship while the rain clouded your eyes. Your long golden hair reflected the lightning so that those afar could discern it as a flickering frosty star.

AttentiveReader: The hell? We're in the middle of a bloody storm and the author starts going about her hair!

SmartReader: _Someone_ hasn't been reading "The Guide to Writing a Craptastic Mary Sue". It clearly states in Section B, Paragraph 24 that at least one mention of the Mary Sue's hair must be included in every 3-12 chapters.

You looked out into the distance, hoping to see an end to the storm but what you saw made your heart stop and your insides cold with fear.

CynicalReader: It's the Loch Ness monster!

AttentiveReader: It's a "dangerous bolt of lightning!"

DumbReader: It's a bus!

TraumatisedReader: It's David Bowie in his Labyrinth costume! Aaargh! The tights and the cape!

A giant wave reared as high as a mountain. The waters around you seemed to be sucked up by the point of that towering mass of water. You knew you weren't going to make it, knew that this'll be the end of you.

You: Hold on!

WHOOSH!

Water lapped onto your face. The back of your head seared with pain as you lifted it up and opened your eyes. Where were you? You tried to remember what brought you to be lying on a sandy beach next to large plank of wood, but found that your mind was completely blank. It was night time. "That's funny" you thought, "I wouldn't go swimming when it is all dark like this".

CynicalReader: Clearly her IQ dropped 30 points when she lost her memory. Again.

PickyReader: Dude, there's more amnesia in this story than you can poke a stick at! (takes out stick and prods story. Amnesia squeals back)

You gathered yourself up and saw a Mysterious Figure walk towards you.

ObservantReader: And we're back to the beginning of the story again.

Author: Very "Truth Be Told" of Alias isn't it?

AllReaders: Oh shut up you geek!

HappyReader: That was a jolly long flashback/dream/exposition wasn't it?

Review me! (I _have_ to start thinking of better ways to ask this)


	16. Chapter 16

From now on, the story will go back to its original format. That is to say, it will no longer be a "You" type story.

I love the fact that no-one has picked up on Ethel's last name!

Ethel woke up to find that her dreams were in fact, memories of her earlier life. She didn't know whether to shout for joy that she had regained her memory or lament for her dead family and crewmembers who still as of yet, have no names. She settled for weeping uncontrollably.

CynicalReader: Oh Jesus Christ!

Ethel: They're (sob) dead Wes – (sob) - ley. I'll never (sob) see (sob) them (sob) again!

CynicalReader: Yes that's what usually happens when people die!

HappyReader: She just remembered that everyone she knew had _died_. Have some sympathy you heartless douche!

CynicalReader: Oh pur-lease! You and I both know perfectly well that the author contrived up all these pitiful deaths so that she run and cry into Jack's arms! It also means that any relationship that she had with anyone is gone and that she's all _alone_. Alooooooone.

Wesley: Except for me.

CynicalReader: Except for the monkey.

Wesley: (pats Ethel's head) Shhh, shhh, it's okay. Save those tears for someone else.

Ethel: Huh?

Jack: (walks in) Nice to see you up and about. The sun has just risen and I thought I'd bring you something to eat!

Ethel: (brushes tears away) Yes, thank you Jack.

Jack set down his tray of food and something seemed to soften in his eyes as he held her gaze. But that moment was over in an instant when he abruptly turned and swaggered out the door.

Jack: (calls back) When you're done, meet me out on the deck love.

Ethel ate her breakfast ravenously as she had had nothing to eat in the past two days. She cleaned herself up a bit and strode out onto the deck into a clear morning. She found Jack at the helm and walked towards him.

Ethel: You wanted to see me captain?

Jack: Jack's fine love.

PickyReader: Eurgh, poorly written banter.

Ethel: (blushes) You wanted to see me Jack?

At once, his voice changed into a more businesslike tone.

Jack: We have some matters we need to discuss.

(Loud alarms beep and red light flashes)

MechanicalVoice: Warning, warning, expository dialogue coming up. Warning, Warning, expository dialogue coming up.

Jack: Now see, your father, Richard Moonshine -

ObservantReader: (snickers) Sounds like a drag name.

- was a good friend of mine. Good man, good pirate.

PickyReader: Okay, so what, does Jack know EVERYONE'S father then?

He took me into his ship see? And when I was old enough, I sailed on my own, using the skills he taught me. Now, I was like a brother to him and he entrusted to me a map and showed me a set of keys. The map leads to a vast amount of treasure hoarded up by …

AllReaders: (in suspense) Yes …?

… by some …

AllReaders: (leaning on edges of seats) Yes … ?

… evil pirates.

AllReaders: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.

CynicalReader: Just like in true Mary Sue style. When in doubt, go for the ol' "evil pirates" plot.

But Ethel knew that there was more to this than what Jack told her, but she decided not to enquire about it any further.

Jack: But he also told me that the treasure cannot be accessed without the two keys. He held those two keys in case anyone stole the map from me.

To Ethel, instead of answering her questions, a dozen more sprang up into her mind. How did her father come across a map and the keys to the treasure of evil pirates? How come he never went to retrieve it himself?

Jack: I thought that the night your town was raided by those evil pirates in search for the key that all was lost. But they had a disadvantage. They had absolutely no idea what the keys looked like nor what your father looked like. But it seems that he gave a key each to you and your mother.

"My mother, yes" Ethel thought. The dream/memory of her mother being dragged away flashed before her eyes. The pirate that held her captive seemed familiar. Of course! He was the same pirate that she killed only a few nights ago. The wound in her stomach twinged in pain.

ObservantReader: Twinged in pain? TWINGED IN PAIN? She was stabbed only a few days ago!

Ethel fought hard to keep the tears back and to continue to pay attention to Jack.

Jack: The treasure is a few days sail from here.

There was a gleam in his eyes and Ethel knew what he going to say next.

Ethel: You think we should go for it?

Jack: Why not? We've got all we need and who isn't up for a little adventure?

Ethel: (smiles) I'm in.

Wesley: Me too!

(Best hillbilly voice)

I luv readin' mah fanfic

It al'ways does the trick

But wha' I really really hate

Ar' them damned mary sues

An' if ya 'ate them's much as me

Like I kno' yah do

Then coul' yah find it in ya' harts

T' read me an' review.

(Banjo solo)

EbonyAnn – Aw, shucks! That's an incredibly nice thing to say! Here, have a cookie.

Music nerd – Yay! I love you so much! I shall use that description … but not in this story. Sorry! I'll use it in my Harry Potter story which, of course, mocks Mary Sues. And I will DEFIINITELY credit you! You will find it in the chapter entitled – The OC chapter Part 2, if you don't wanna read the whole thing. On the whole 'ah!' thing, I had no idea that edits reviews! And finally, I WANT TO BE PART OF THE NERD'S GUILD! WHAT MUST I DO! Ahem, on your way.

Valinor's Twilight – So true that all OCs are Sues. I guess some are just more Sue-y than others. I don't mind them either, especially when they're part of those 50 chapter epics. Oh god, I;'m such a pathetic sucker for those. And this? – "fall into middle earth to save it, become and elf, and Legolas falls in love with them. Those are irritating." So. Damn. True.

Pokey jr. – Before I start, can I just say how awesome your screen name is? Seriously dude, awesome. Anyway, don't blame me because Ethel doesn't have the brainpower to have decent dialogue! Actually, you should blame me because I'm none too good with the dialogue.

Ace's Buddy – Oh I remember that episode! Love the part when Buffy was all "we should have the reception in the park!" and Spike goes "yes, and then you shall be married to a pile of ash." Okay, that was BADLY paraphrased, it was a long time since I saw the ep okay? Now, don't kill me for this, but my fave ep was actually "Storyteller." Apparently, I'm one of the few who thought Andrew was funny. Sad.

Boandpop – Wish I had ninja skillz. That and bow hunting skillz. Heh.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, Daredevil, the Indiana Jones series, Alias, Buffy, Elvish, Lord of the Rings or the Silmarillion.

The Black Pearl was sailing with a swift breeze behind her on the second day after Ethel's, Wesley's and Jack's decision to retrieve the "treasure". After consulting the map thoroughly (something that Jack had conveniently never done in the long years he's had it because it's not like he'd _bother_ himself with the idea of vast amounts of hidden treasure) it seemed like both the treasure and the island it was on had names.

ObservantReader: (smirks) More like the author couldn't think up some names at the time.

Author: Quiet or there will be no more tequila shots for you!

ObservantReader: (keeps quiet)

The island was called –

SmartReader: According to "Mary Sue's and You" by Irma Baed Riter, these names should relate to another obsession of the author's.

CynicalReader: "The island was called 'Naboo'". Mmmmm, Hayden Christensen.

DumbReader: "The island was called the 'Island of Doom'". Mmmmm, Harrison Ford.

PertReader: "The island was called 'Sunnydale'". Mmmmmm, Spike.

DumbReader: "The island was called the 'Island of Doom'". Mmmmm, Harrison Ford.

PickyReader: "The island was called 'Hell's Kitchen'". Mmmmm, Ben Affleck.

DumbReader: "The island was called the 'Island of Doom'". Mmmmm, Harrison Ford.

AllReaders: Shut up about old fogies!

DumbReader: (goes off and fantasizes about old fogies)

Author: You're all wrong (goes off and looks for pretty sounding Elvish names in her copy of the Silmarillion)

- Tol _Melian.(1)_

AllReaders: (gag)

The treasure on Tol Melian was named the treasure of -

HappyReader: Frodo!

CynicalReader: Legolas! Yes, I like that … the Treasure of Legolas. Mmmmm …

- the Treasure of Tingilinde._(2)_

AllReaders: (groan)

HappyReader: Oooh, lookie! "Treasure" has a capital now! Just like in a _real_ novel!

Ethel and Wesley were to be found sitting at the bow of the ship, watching another glorious sunset and discussing matters.

Wesley: Let's discuss some matters.

Ethel: Sure, what matters would you like to discuss?

Wesley: Oh, matters worth discussing.

Ethel: What matters would that be that need discussing?

Wesley: Discuss-worthy matters.

(2 hours later)

Ethel: I'm scared Wesley.

Wesley: Oh, it's quite easy. All you have to remember is to follow through with the swinging of the arm and point your hand to where you want the ball to go. The pins are easy to knock down once you've got the swing of things.

Ethel: Not about ten pin bowling but about me and Jack!

Wesley: (nods wisely) Ah yes. Don't worry, it'll all pan out nicely. I'm sure of it. Just go with the flow and you'll have nothing to worry about.

Ethel: Are you sure?

Wesley: Sure I'm sure! I'm your trusty guide aren't I?

Ethel: (smiles) Okay.

Just then, a commotion broke out on board and Wesley went to check it out.

Wesley: Hmmm, looks like someone forgot to return the latest Vogue back to Will again. I'll sort it out.

Ethel was left alone, watching the sun fall down to the horizon while Will and Wesley got into a furious hair-pulling and eye-scratching battle.

Will: But (_scratch_) he (_pull_) took it _(hiss)_ and (_rip_) never (_tear_) gave it (_tug_) back!

Norrington: (Held back by Wesley who indeed, was taking the majority of the scratches, pulls, hisses, rips, tears and tugs) I was gonna give it back! You're so stingy about these things!

Will: Shut up! It had the Summer Season Pirate Fashion Update! Checked puffy sleeves are in again! I could wear them with my new orange striped go-go boots!

Norrington: Only a fairy like you would wear checked puffy sleeves with orange striped go-go boots. That is _so_ Oxford Street._(3)_

And on and on it went until the moon rose and the stars appeared in the sky. The fight only dissipated when the smell of food wafted over them and brought them to realise the lack of food in their stomachs.

DumbReader: Huh?

SnappyReader: They were hungry stupid!

(Everyone goes to have some food)

Ethel got up from the railing in which she was sitting on and made to follow them.

7 tankards of rum, endless rounds of bad singing, 3 hours of drunken dancing, and 1 badly contrived situation later …

Ethel: (throws up over the side of the ship, narrowly missing Jack)

Jack: There you go love, you'll feel better soon.

Ethel: (woozy) Woah … I've … never drank … so … so … so … much be-… before. Hey man, you look funny. What's up with that weird hat? Heehee. And dude, you re- … really need to get a good dentist man … That whole gold teeth look went out … well … it was never in, so … Hey man, why are you so grumpy?

Just as she was about to fall, Jack caught her in his arms and held her close.

Jack: You are so beautiful.

Ethel: Wha-?

But Jack's lips were upon hers before she could even finish her word.

AllReaders: Ewwwww.

ObservantReader: Didn't she just throw up before?

SmartReader: Indeed she did.

ObservantReader: That is just nasty.

With their lips still connected, they both found their feet moving towards the doors of Jack's cabin and their hands roaming each others body, eager to touch what was underneath the thin fabrics.

InnocentReader: (baffled)

Jack broke away the kiss when Ethel bumped into the door.

Jack: Are you sure about this?

He gazed into her eyes and became lost in them. Beautiful they were, yet perilous too. Just like the sea. She was inebriated and he didn't want to take advantage of that, especially being young as she was.

CynicalReader: Cradle snatcher! He's like in his mid 40's and she's in her early twenties! That is just wrong dude!

AvidReader: Who cares? It's _Captain_ _Jack Sparrow_ we're talking about here!

CynicalReader: (sighs) Fair enough.

Ethel: (Miraculously not woozy anymore) Of course I'm sure.

That was enough for Jack who took her in his arms, opened the door and shut them behind him.

(singsong voice) You know what happens ne-ext! You know what happens ne-ext! (singsong voice)

(1)Melian was a Maiar who dwelled in Beleriand during the First Age of Middle Earth with King Thingol. Her name is derived from _mel_ which is Elvish for love. – Lord of the Rings -

(2)Apparently, _tingilinde_ is Elvish for twinkling star. It sounds like a brand of orange fizzy drink to me.

(3)Oxford Street is a street in Melbourne known for its gay nightclubs and weird drag queen shows. It's awesome. And scary. Any Melbournians here?


	18. The Hot Monkey Sex chapter

The Hot Monkey Sex chapter

The slender strips of moonlight were the only form of illumination in the dark room. Ethel looked around it, suddenly afraid when her eyes alighted on the bed. It was a squooshy collection of pillows, cushions and throws.

Ethel: Jack, there's something I need to tell you.

Jack, busy kissing her, replied with a muffled "What?".

Ethel: I've never (gulp) done this before (blushes furiously)

AllReaders: (in unison) Christ on a stick!

SkankyReader: What the heck was she doing when she was 16 then? Oh my, all those parties that I went to …

SnappyReader: Skank!

SmartReader: Please, please. I can explain all of this. As is clearly stated in "Mary Sue Lemons 101", "The Mary Sue, being a representative of the author, will probably state that she is indeed, still a virgin. The author, is probably a sad 12 year old mimi who would love her "first" to be with the main character in question."

Author: What are you implying of me?

SmartReader: (trembles in fear) N-n-nothing Your Royal Highness, o-only that you …

Author: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING OF ME?

SmartReader: (squeak) Forgive me!

CynicalReader: Face the facts, it was either this or that she was "raped at a very young age by someone that she loved and trusted dearly, thereby making her lose faith in the race of men".

Author: (scribbles down furiously) Woah, slow down! Wait, there's just a whole other storyline just thrown away! Damn!

Jack: (looks up) Perhaps we shouldn't …

HornyReader: NOOOOOO! I've been waiting for this for 17 bloody chapters! I can usually get this stuff in 5 chapters or less! BRING ON THE FREAKIN' LEMON!

(AllReaders stand up and sidle away slowly. CynicalReader pauses and dashes back to get her drink and then sidles backwards again, not making any sudden movements leaving a wide-eyed, expectant HornyReader looking up at the computer monitor trembling with excitement)

And so the Hot Monkey Sex begins. We find some crazy facts here like exact and precise lengths of body parts, "cute" scars_(1) _on weird places of the body, and so on and so forth. We are also fed with a long stream of bad synonyms and similies of er, different … thingies.

(A couple of hours later)

The contented couple lay on their backs, both staring at the ceiling. Ethel's head on Jack's shoulder when she spoke.

Ethel: (breathes heavily) That was amazing Jack.

Jack: I'm glad you enjoyed it love.

Ethel: You know what? This is the first time I've ever said this but, I'm happy being with you Jack.

Jack: Aye, I agree love.

And then they lived happily ever after.

THE END

Except not really.

(1)scars are not cute.

For Ace's Buddy –

'Tis near the end of thine tale  
Wherein our heroes have conquered  
All in their paths  
Yet obstacles remain still.  
Shouldst thine author reveal all  
Remains yet to be decided  
On the proliferation of thou worthy reviews  
Thoust beseech thee  
To spare thine leisure  
And dropt thou a review

I am SURE a lot of that was grammatically wrong and it was definitely NOT in iambic pentameter. So criticize that review request and DIE a painful death ... I love you!

**Pinkalarmclock** – YES YES YES! That is definitely where the name 'Ethel' came from. But wasn't her last name like "Mermil" or something?

**FanFicLover90** – Thanks dude! Your dedication shall be rewarded (sends over a daiquiri and a cookie) Yum!

**Music nerd** – DO NOT READ MY HP FIC! Because it does contain spoilers. Okay, when I was reading your awesomely long review, I seriously could not stop laughing. Like, tears in eyes laughing. Awesome stuff. Yes, 'Moonshine' as in the illegal alcohol. I kind of like it because it partly explains why Jack has shown such an interest in our dear Ethel. Hee! Although Jack on moonshine (ahem, mind the pun) would be hilarious! Hmm, in my story, your point no. 23 will be disproved because this baby will definitely have a conclusive ending. Somewhat. Oh, and before I forget here's a **quadruple** chocolate chip cookie. What is to become of us indeed?

**Ace's Buddy** – I AM A FAVOURITE AUTHOR! Woo! You know, I am seriously thinking about shelling out that $250 to get the Crazy Monster DVD Pack of Buffy. Too bad I don't have $250 handy. Must. Relive. The. Heyday. Of. Buffy.

**Boandpop** – Ah, poor Mangled!Jack. He will only get more mangled. You have been warned!

**Merrybean** – Yay, another Buffy fan! I ADORED Andrew. "Can't I have a nice refreshing Zima?"


	19. Chapter 19

You didn't really think that that would be the end did you? Of course, in true Mary Sue style, the story normally ends after they have, er, copulated. However, this is a parody and I intend to take it to the end.  
Oh yeah, and this was formerly posted under the title of "if Mary Sue Had a Pet Monkey" which explains the lame in-joke at the bottom.

Ethel woke up in the arms of Jack. She felt safe, secure, but most of all, loved. Jack stirred and opened his eyes slowly.

Jack: Morning love.

Ethel: (shyly) Morning.

Jack: There now, there's no reason to be shy anymore. (grins)

Ethel: That's true.

(Awkward silence)

Jack: Sooo …

Ethel: Well then …

CynicalReader: Oh. My. Gawd. Unsurprisingly, the author has never been in this kind of situation before and has no idea on what the characters should say.

(Awkwarder silence)

Jack: Um …

Ethel: (cough)

Jack: We should get up.

Ethel: (cheerily) Okay!

The day wore on and the sun drew down towards the sea. Ethel and Wesley were to be found as usual on the bow of the ship, talking in what was now known as the Corner of Useless and Pointless Conversations.

Ethel: Wesley, I'm in pain.

Wesley: Oh come on! I didn't hit you that hard with the shovel when you beat me at skipping! Stop being such a baby!

Ethel: No not that! But from last night.

Wesley: Oh gross! What the hell do I care? Tell this to Jack, I'm sure it would place another stupid vulnerable part between you two.

Ethel walked off sulkily, wondering what had got Wesley's knickers in a knot. She found Jack - as he always seemed to be in these stories - steering the ship and looking off into the distance.

Ethel: Hi.

Jack: Hi.

(Awkwardest silence yet)

Ethel: So … um …

Jack: Yeah …

Ethel: I need to talk to you.

Just then, a loud yell sounded from the crow's nest.

NamelessSailor: Captain! Tol Melian draws near!

Jack: Thank god! Er, I mean, we'll, ahem, talk later Ethel.

With that he ran down towards the deck to check with something with one of his crew. Or he just wanted to get away from her, Ethel couldn't tell. But they were so close last night. Why would he just brush her off so easily as if she meant nothing to him? _Perhaps you don't mean anything to him_ said a cruel voice in her head. Tears welled in her eyes and she let one fall down her cheek as the dark blotch far off on the horizon drew near.

Oooh! Why is Jack being such a jerk? Why is Wesley so testy? Did Norrington and Will make up from their argument? How is it possible that there is another voice inside Ethel's head, or rather, any voice? And where did all the Readers go? Find out all of this and more in the next exciting instalment of "If Mary Sue Had a Pet Monkey"!

Wesley: For the last bloody time! I'm not her freakin' pet!

As we draw towards the end, expect shorter chapters people! You have been warned!


	20. Chapter 20

The blob of green on the horizon that Ethel took as land was steadily growing as the Black Pearl sailed towards Tol Melian. Ethel could see excitement bubbling in the crew's faces. The thought of vast amounts of treasure and riches made everyone on board jittery and as excited as children given candy. Except for her. Ethel wasn't excited, far from it. She looked around at the confusion around her, her eyes blank as if she saw everything around her through a thick veil. Her heart was shattered over the realisation that she may just be another one of Jack's conquests and play toys that she had heard so much about.

UnsympatheticReader: Oh BOO HOO! Cry me a freaking river!

WearyReader: Yes, all Mary Sues must have over reacting panic attacks.

Just as the sun reached its zenith, the Black Pearl dropped anchor and boats were made ready to be rowed to shore. Ethel still stood blank faced and staring at the frenzied crew around her.

Wesley, seeing his distressed charge, decided to get right down to the source of her troubles. He found Jack amidst the scrambling crew and called out to him.

Wesley: Jack!

Jack: (ducks away)

Frustrated, Wesley followed where he went and found him in the corner hiding next to a barrel.

Wesley: (plants fists on hips) Captain Jack Sparrow, just what do you think you're doing?

Jack: Er, ahem, well you see here this barrel, here, has, um a, er, a bit of dirt on it and I, ah, decided to clean it! (nervously rubs sleeve against barrel)

Wesley: Yeah, uh huh, sure whatever. Why are you running away from me, more importantly, why are you treating Ethel like dirt? (eyes glint menacingly)

Jack: (nervous as he sees light flashing off Wesley's shovel that is hidden beneath the monkey's corset) I'm not! Really, I don't know what you're talking about! You're crazy! Delusional!

Wesley: (steps closer and moves hand towards shovel)

Jack: All right, you want the truth?

AllReaders: YES!

HappyReader: Hey, where were we for the last chapter by the way?

CrazyReader: There was a sale at the shops; everyone went off to buy new shoes.

HappyReader: Oh yeah, that's right.

Jack: Well you can't handle the truth!

Author: Nah, I'm kidding, scratch that last line out.

Jack: Look, what's between Ethel and I is just that. Between Ethel and I.

Wesley: It doesn't seem like Ethel is in the loop on this.

PickyReader: It's only been like, what, 2 days? She's lucky to be stuck on a ship with him so that he can't possibly ignore her calls, not call her back, avoid her or put a restraining order on me for stalking – I mean her. Not put a restraining order on _her_ for stalking.

Jack: Look, I promise I'll talk to her all right? If it makes you feel any better.

Wesley left to sit on Ethel's shoulder, but not before giving Jack a fierce glare that would strip paint.

Jack went and stood on a crate to give him height over his crew who were all waiting impatiently for Jack to begin and end his usual speech/pep talk. Ethel stood mutely and didn't listen to Jack but instead pondered on his odd behaviour. Last night, she had come to the conclusion that she meant nothing to him. That all that he said to her were complete lies to get her into his bed.

IncredulousReader: HELLO! That's who Jack is!

JackFans: And yet we still love him (swoon).

But this fact did not make sense to the way that he acted around her, that brilliant smile that he seemed to reserve only for her …

And she had cried for him! That was the last time she would do such a thing and she now set her heart to get back on the man who broke her heart.

JadedReader: (mimics) "The man who broke her heart?" That is just so lame.

CynicalReader: Then I must be to you "the one who broke your vase".

JadedReader: You broke my vase! When?

CynicalReader: That time when we were playing ball in your living room remember?

JadedReader: Um, I think that might be an episode of the Brady Bunch dude.

CynicalReader: Huh, maybe.

Ethel started out of her thoughts when a happy yell sounded from the crew as Jack finished his talk with an extravagant flourish of his hands.

(1 crazy boat ride later)

Tol Melian could hardly be called an island. When one thinks of island, one sees a nice white-sanded beach, palm trees, green mountains and a fresh spring.

AnnoyedReader: One will get their ass kicked if they don't stop with the description crap and not get onto the mushy love stuff.

DreamyReader: Mmmm, mushy love stuff (sigh)

Instead, Tol Melain was a desolate place. Uncharacteristically cold despite it's location, dark and rocky. It seemed less like a land mass surrounded by water –

ImpatientReader: Yes, we know what the description of an island is.

- but more like a giant lump of rock, riddled with caves set on the sea.

ObservantReader: Sounds awfully a lot like the Isla de Muerta off the movie.

Ethel climbed out of the boat and was right behind Jack when they stepped onto the rocky shore and faced a giant cliff wall. Wesley noticed that she no longer walked as if she were in a daze but with more of a determined and resolved stride. He worried at this sudden change in her.

Jack stood and looked up the cliff in his usual weird stance. The crew gathered behind him, waiting expectantly for their captain's next actions and for the promised gold. Jack took out the map and squinted at it. He looked back up the cliff than down to the map. He turned the map on its side and looked up at the cliff with his head cocked to the side. He turned the map upside down and attempted to do a handstand before he collapsed in a heap.

NamelessPirate2: He's drunk!

Everyone rushed towards him to see if he would be all right. Everyone except for Ethel that is. She hung back with a satisfied smile on her face.

MelodramaticReader: DUN DUN DUN!

Ana Maria ordered for some blankets to be brought back from the Pearl for Jack as well as for scouts to go around the small island on boats to see if there was any other clue as to where the treasure could be accessed. The only indication of the exact location of the treasure was a large X on the island and nothing else. Ethel took the map from an unconscious Jack and hid it when no one was watching.

The scouts came back in the late afternoon with no good news. The island was roughly in the shape of a heart and where Ethel, Wesley, Ana Maria and a passed out Jack stayed, was in the curve of the two upper outward points.

CynicalReader: Oh puh-lease. Why doesn't she just say that fairies, rainbows and unicorns lived there as well? (mutters) Island in the shape of a heart, what next?

They found no cave opening, door, or beach but instead found miserable cliff faces, falling sheer into the water. Ana Maria sighed and resigned that they should camp out on the beach that night and wait until morning when Jack woke to decide what to do. Although Ana Maria's face bore no other emotion besides disappointment, Ethel could see worry flicker in her eyes at the continually louder grumbling of those of her fellow crew members. Everyone knew that unsatisfied pirates were mutinous pirates.

AttentiveReader: I'm sorry, but they should ALREADY know what to do. Hello? Didn't we establish a few chapters ago that the keys to the treasure were the pendants?

HeadScratchingReader: Wasn't one of them lost when Ethel killed that Bearded Pirate Guy during that Pointless Filler of a Battle?

ConfusedReader: I'm so confused!

Author: So am I.

**Music nerd** – I haven't read 'Wicked' but I have read the other one 'Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister.' That wasn't too bad. Well, if you know that Dumbledore dies, then there aren't any more spoilers in my fic. Thanks for you bajazillion reviews for my HP fic. Seriously, the effort you put in makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Although, I'd suggest you change your medication because lithium – isn't that what they put in, like, batteries? (Stops as realisation dawns. The pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place) With all your muffin stealing adventures, WHY haven't you posted anything yet dagnabbit! Oh yeah, me like money. Give me money so I can buy … well, we'll just leave that to another day shall we?  
**Merrybean** – Thanks for the review! I actually have a picture of me with oven mitts doing the 'guestage' motion. Yes, I'm such a freak.


	21. Chapter 21

Just a heads up, we're probably about 3 chapters away from the end. Good gracious, it seems like I've been working on this for years!

Disclaimer: Disney owns POTC, not me.

That night, Ethel sat on the beach outside of the circle of firelight watching the moon swing over her. She sighed. Were they ever going to find the treasure? Where could it possibly be on this god-forsaken island? But one thought that overrode all of these was _what's going on between Jack and I? What was to become of us?_

MelodramaticReader: (Sideshow Mel voice) You poisoned him that's what!

Ethel: Did not!

MelodramaticReader: Did too!

Ethel: Did not!

MelodramaticReader: Then why did you have a 'satisfied smile' on your face when he collapsed?

Ethel: I think it was because, I DIDN'T and that the author mistook that for a 'barely contained giggling fit!'

Author: (shifts eyes nervously) Did not.

She pondered at this and suddenly became aware of a presence behind her. Turning sharply she saw Jack standing there, wide awake now if not a bit wobbly.

Jack: Mind if I sit love?

Ethel couldn't even believe that he had the audacity to even speak to her, so she merely gave him a tiny nod before turning away from him. Jack sat down next to her, far too close to Ethel's liking so she shifted a few centimetres away from him.

Jack: (frowns) What's the matter love? You seem to be a bit mad at me.

Ethel: A BIT MAD AT YOU? A BIT mad at you wouldn't even begin to describe what I feel right now! Hell! Really mad at you would only be the tip of the iceberg! I hate you Jack Sparrow and I never want to see you again!

HappyReader: That was harsh.

CynicalReader: And very 3 year old like. Hello? Tantrum calling!

HappyReader: So true.

With that, Ethel stood up and began to dash away when something in the corner of her eye distracted her. It was a light that was neither the moonlight or from the small fire they made. It was entirely different, yet held qualities of both kinds of light. The source of it was in the rock face a couple metres in front of her. She leapt forward to investigate. The rock face was completely smooth and the light was of a changing quality. It glowed with a white shine yet flickered like flames. The glowing dimmed to form words.

Jack: What in the world is all this?

Ethel: Shhhh.

SarcasticReader: Yeah, cause I'm sure that whenever secret messages appear, there is always some special sound effect that comes along with it and that we should all be quiet to listen to it.

Ethel: Shut up.

SarcasticReader: Oh, that was nice.

Ethel: Dude, shut up!

By now, everyone had come to look at what Ethel and Jack were staring at.

Pippin: What does it say?

Gandalf: It says "Speak friend and enter"

Merry: What do you suppose that means?

Gandalf: Well, it's quite simple. If you're a friend you speak the password and enter.

(Record screech)

AnnoyedReader: Hold on, that was just a part from Lord of the Rings.

Author: Yeah, so … ?

AnnoyedReader: Come to think of it, this whole PART is from Lord of the Rings.

Author: Yeah, so … ?

The writing finally became legible and Anamaria read it aloud for the benefit of those who couldn't read.

"The Treasure of Tingilinde I hold,

Yield only to those who possess in purity

What others have none

Only they may take as their rightful own

The one of the air yet lives on the sea

And the one that shines brightest in the dark"

SaneReader: That made absolutely no sense and was so grammatically incorrect.

SmartReader: Ah yes, that was the point. The author was trying to make it sound cool and mystical by making it grammatically wrong figuring that if it's different to the way that we speak now, it's magical.

Author: I hate you.

Ethel: To those who possess in purity, what others have none … (scratches head) What does that mean Jack?

Jack: I have no idea.

The crew around them dissipated in mutters and murmurings from the single hopeful and excited moment, leaving only Jack and Ethel to stare at the brilliantly glowing words. Suddenly aware that she had just spoke to Jack, Ethel stalked away leaving Jack to ponder at the words.

Cold, wet and miserable, Ethel woke to see the sun rise. They stayed that night on the beach and had built a fire that could not stave off the fierce, cold winds that swept over Tol Melian. Ethel looked around at the other sleeping pirates and noticed that some were missing. _Where could they be?_ she thought but brushed off the question as she stood up and breathed in the salty scent of the air. The rest of the crew started to stir and soon they would be preparing breakfast. Feeling happy at this, Ethel began to go and look for Jack before she realised that she was mad at him. Very mad at him.

PickyReader: Duh!

Nonetheless, she walked the length of the beach and before she realised it, Ethel found Jack, looking out moodily at the newly risen sun. She didn't know whether she should confront him or turn away and avoid him after what he did to her. Jack however, never gave her the chance and said -

Jack: Well, don't just stand there love.

- before she could even come to a decision.

Ethel walked over, startled that he even realised she was there without even turning around to look at her. She huffily walked over and sat next to him, leaving between them at least a metre of sand.

Ooooh, what happens next? Sorry for the extremely dumb chapter, schoolwork has finally caught up with me. Grrrr.

**Music nerd** – Why aren't you allowed to post things? Exactly what did you do to invoke the ill will of the Powers That Be? Okay, my review on YOUR work – I like it. I really do. Although (because I've spent actual hours contemplating over this) if I were ever in the shoes of someone who had been 'magically' transported to somewhere, I'd immediately think it's some elaborate prank and I'd spend the entire time looking for hidden cameras. Because that's the weirdo I am. Ah, poor Johnny Depp – the guy's been acting for near twenty years only to find himself at the height of his career being stalked by us pathetic teens. Sad really.


	22. The Musical chapter

The Musical Chapter

Yes you read right ladies and gentlemen! After repeated viewings of Moulin Rouge, Chicago, the Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, Grease and every other musical I own on tape or dvd, I decided to write my own musical. Sort of. Oh, you'll see!

Disclaimer: Disney owns the right to POTC. I certainly do not own the rights to the songs "Unchained Melody" or "Toxic."

Jack: We need to talk.

Ethel: Yes we do.

Jack: Why are you mad at me?

Ethel sighed and knew that she couldn't keep it from him for long. She was slightly ashamed of admitting this while he was being so nice and reasonable to her. His eyes were filled with concern, which only made Ethel feel more and more like some spoiled child.

ObservantReader: Which is true you know.

Author: Yes I do know. Why is that? Because I am the AUTHOR of the story! You see that pink sequined sash I'm wearing? You know how it says "Author" on it? Yeah, that's because I AM!

ObservantReader: Hey, hey! No need to get all uppity uppity at me. Someone didn't have to go into Bee-yotch Mode.

Author: I'm sorry.

ObservantReader: So you should be.

AspiringPsychiatristReader: I think it's a bad sign to be having pretend arguments with figments of your imagination in a fanfic story on the computer.

Author: Shut up you.

AspiringPsychiatristReader: Make me.

SeriousReader: That does bring up a very important point though. How Ethel is acting like some spoiled child. Women of the late 17th century were hardly ever exposed to relationships with the opposite sex until their own, usually planned, marriages. This had the most unfortunate result of them being less mature than those of today's society at their age.

FanficLovin'Reader: What you just said made absolutely no sense.

SeriousReader: That's because you are not reading the things in between the lines and are not studying the themes of this piece of literature with enough depth. You have to – (cut off by a burly man in uniform)

SecurityReader: I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no place for a serious Reader in this story. If you haven't noticed, it is a parody ma'am. I'll ask you to step outside please.

SeriousReader: But … but … but …

SecurityReader: Please, don't make a scene ma'am. (grabs SeriousReader by the arms and tosses her out of the FanficReadingRoom)

SeriousReader: (waves fist and yells at blank doors) This won't be the last you hear of me Readers! (stalks off to flag down a taxi. After four pass her, walks to the closest bus stop, sits down and waits. Looks around at us Readers still staring at her) Stop writing about me! Look away! DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Ethel: (mumbles) I just … had the feeling that after … that night … that maybe you were … avoiding me? (uncertain)

CynicalReader: Let's see what this jackass's answer is. "I couldn't call because my grandmother died", "I'm sorry but I've been so busy, my boss is really putting the pressure on me now. Only yesterday did Gus our mailman collapse from a heart seizure because of him", "I was abducted by aliens", "I was diagnosed with cancer and have only six months to live" or "I didn't call because I have been committed". I've heard everything.

BitterReader: All men are pigs.

HappyReader: Woah! Hold on there Sergeant Sulkys! This is Jack Sparrow here and if we need reminding, we _love_ Jack Sparrow!

WillFans: We don't!

Author: (Uses Author Sceptre and banishes WillFans to the Realm of Bad-Mannequin-like-Actors)

(At the Realm of Bad-Mannequin-like-Actors)

Orlando Bloom: Hey there girls! Wanna see how big my sword _really_ is?

WillFans: SQUEEEEEEEEE!

Author: See? Everyone's happy.

(Lights dim, a spotlight bathes Ethel and Jack on the sandy beach. Only the sounds of the waves are heard before the music starts up)

Jack: I never knew you felt this way.

Ethel: But I did.

No one has ever loved me, I've never been loved.

Never.

It never used to bother me, I never used to mind.

Until now.

(Jack and Ethel are now magically transported on top of a giant elephant. No, not a real one!)

Before, I didn't know what love was exactly.

It was something I ignored, I didn't want it,

I didn't need it, I never had to think about it.

Until you came along, I was happy.

Jack and Ethel: To a certain point that is! (both hold each other's hands in a cheesy embrace)

(Other pirates walk in from both sides of the stage and start a slow dance. They are out of the spotlight but their silhouettes can be seen by pink backlighting. Winged babies flutter around with bows and arrows. Like Cupids)

Ethel: Yet I didn't know how much happier I could be,

But at the same time have so much pain inflicted upon me.

Whenever you're gone, I'm empty, my heart stops, I'm not myself anymore. I slowly diiiiiie!

I never wanted to love. When you're here with me, every part of you is perfect.

Jack and Ethel: I don't need anything else to liiiiiiiive. (fade)

(All actors look down as the lights abruptly go out)

AllReaders: (wipes tears away from eyes)

PickyReader: You know, he STILL hasn't answered her question.

Jack: (looks up) Fine I will! (back into Captain Jack Sparrow mode) Ethel, love. Before you came along, I never felt the way I do now.

(Lights change. Red, green, orange and blue spotlights flash around, disco music starts. Jack changes into a sparkly sequined shirt that reflects the now flashing lights. Other dancers come onto stage, wearing much the same get up. A conga line starts while other people start dancing the salsa)

Jack: I love you

I need you

I can't live without you

The thought of it makes me blue

I just don't know what to do

I'll probably eat a shoe

And moo

And quack too

And hop around like a kangaroo

And now I don't know what else that rhymes with "oo"

Except for flew, threw and blew

I love you!

Cha cha cha!

(Lights go back to normal and Jack and Ethel finish their boogie to sit back down on the beach again)

Jack: (serious look on face) I think what I'm trying to say here is that … I don't know what to do, I've never been in this situation before … it's always …

CynicalReader: In, out, pay.

InnocentReader: I don't get it.

OlderFriendofInnocentReader: She's, ah, talking about um, drive-throughs. Yeah, he's comparing his life to drive-throughs. You know, full of empty, mechanical, ah, things taking what you want and leaving.

CynicalReader: (smirks) I know he can "drive-through" me anytime.

OlderFriendofInnocentReader: You're not helping the situation you know.

CynicalReader: (picks off an olive from cocktail stick with teeth) Wasn't trying to punkin.

Jack: Empty, meaningless nights, just to let off steam from the lonely nights at sea. I love you Ethel.

Ethel: I love you too Jack. You know that.

(Kiss)

(AllReaders hold onto tissues, sobbing their eyes out)

CynicalReader: Ah, get over it losers!

(Dramatic music starts; stage is backlit by suffused white light)

Ethel: (breaks away from kiss) What - what's that?

Jack stands up again and walks slowly away from Ethel, holding out his hand to her and never breaking his gaze from her eyes.

Jack: Lonely rivers flow

To the sea to the sea

To the open arms of the sea

Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me

Wait for me

I'll be coming home, wait for me

FanaticReaders: I'll wait for you! I love you Jack! (squeals)

Record screeches to a halt. Jack looks around, confused, interrupted in the middle of his serenade of "Unchained Melody" to Ethel by some angry looking fat guys in white robes with wings attached crudely to their backs walking out onto the stage.

FatUglyAngel: This is out part Mister Sparrow. If you'd be so kind as to SHUT UP! And let us to our job, we'd be greatly appreciative.

Jack: That's not very nice hon, and it's Captain Sparrow to you sugah'! (snaps fingers)

FatUglyAngel: Whatever. (walks off stage)

The light came from the rock face behind their campsite. More brilliant than the sun and purer than the moonlight it shone. Ethel and Jack raced back towards it and tore through the crowd that had gathered around it.

(Eerie music starts. Foreground of stage darkens. People on wires appear. They look to be … angels)

CynicalReader: Lookie! You can see the wires attaching them to the roof of this place. Ha! Yeah, good work you geeky backstage techies!

GeekyBackstageTechie1: We're doing the best we can lady!

Angels: The Treasure of Tingilinde it holds,

Yield only to those who possess in purity

What others have none

Only they may take as their rightful own

The one of the air yet lives on the sea

And the one that shines brightest in the dark.

StupidReader: Huh?

AnnoyedReader: It's them stupid. The sparrow and the moon. Duh.

StupidReader: What do they possess in purity that others have none?

AnnoyedReader: LOVE! What did they just proclaim to each other just before? THEIR LOVE? Why did they kiss? BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!

(The front part of the rock face is lifted up while the angels raise their arms up to the sky and fly away)

BacktageMuscleGuy1: Okay and – HEAVE!

WeirdedOutReader: That part was just weird with a beard. I mean angels? Come on!

Ethel and Jack walked in and what they saw made them both gasp in surprise.

Jack: -

Ethel: -

Anamaria: -

Gibbs: -

OtherPirates: -

Wesley: Oh My! I think I may have just walked into Liz Taylor's private vault!

ScaredReader: It's full of syringes of botox and collagen and fresh young victims about to have their faces pulled off! Argh!

Wesley: Ah, no.

(Background flips around to show a dance floor of some trendy nightclub. Britney Spears' "Toxic" blares out on unseen speakers. Wesley appears in a blue flight attendant's costume complete with hat artfully placed over bleached locks)

Wesley: Baby can't you see

I'm callin'

A guy like you

Should wear a warning

It's dangerous

I'm falling

(Wesley does some funky dance moves)

There's no escape

I can't wait

I need a hit

Baby, give me it

You're dangerous

I'm loving it

Too high

Can't come down

Losin' my head

Spinnin' 'round and 'round

Do you feel me now?

With the taste of your lips

I'm on a ride

You're toxic I'm slippin' under

With a taste of the poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't you know that you're toxic?

And I love what you do

Don't you know that you're toxic?

BaffledReader: Uh, what just happened? That song didn't even fit in with the storyline!

Author: I know, I just have that song in my head at the moment. It's damn catchy and it's fun to see Wesley with blonde hair and a blue flight attendant's outfit.

It was a cavern stretching into the far off distance, the end of it lost in the gloom. The former inhabitants of this place seemed to favour a nautical theme from what the carvings depicted. Motifs of mermaids, selkies and sea monsters in scenes of battle and of everyday life sprang out from the walls. The ceiling arched up to an unfathomable height that let a filtered amount of sunlight in. It wasn't the grand interior that took away their breaths but the mass amounts of treasure lining the walls on either side, up to and above the height of their heads. Gold coins, goblets, chalices encrusted with gems, tiaras, crowns, circlets, bracelets, precious stones the size of your hand and all other wealthy paraphernalia stretched from either side of the entrance, leaving a bare, narrow strip that reached to the very end of the chamber.

Their reactions were instantaneous, like water restrained and finally bursting from the pressure that gradually mounted for days. Wesley leapt up on the nearest pile and disappeared to the every end where the only sounds that could be heard of his trail was the clinking his skirt made from brushing the loose treasure and his screams of "Gold! Gold! Gold for meeeeeee!" Jack and the other pirates leapt forward to inspect the riches, leaving Ethel stunned and standing by herself. Alone. The happiness and awe that had built up inside her was punctured by worry and fear. Was Jack going to leave her now that he got what he wanted?

AnnoyedReader: Didn't he just proclaim his love for her? In song? Nobody lies in song! It's like a crime … or something. Anyway, she's so self absorbed. It's all about me, me, me!

SmartReader: Which coincidentally is Rule no. 38 in "Writing Mary-Sues – What to do When You're Stuck For an Original Idea and Want Soppy Love Stories Instead" – 'The term 'Mary-Sue', is really a synonym for 'self-centred person'".

AnnoyedReader: (grumbles) Aye. That's certainly a long title for a book.

Their joy however was short lived when a gunshot sounded at the cave entrance. There stood … a pirate who was missing for the better half of the morning. His name was – Basil.

AllReaders: Bwahahahahaha!

SarcasticReader: It's Basil the Bad! Ooooh, don't hurt me!

PertReader: Basil sounds like my geeky uncle who wears thick black plastic rimmed glasses, is attached to polyester plaid and thinks that boiled eggs are cool.

SarcasticReader: It's you isn't it?

PertReader: Yes. (shamefaced)

Basil was a pirate that Jack and his crew had picked up in Tortuga. His dark tanned face contrasted sharply with his shock of his – now dirty – straw blonde hair. A man in his late forties, he had seemed quiet at first, never joining in on the festivities, staying down in his cabin for most of the time. But he was a hard worker, who never complained and was a fierce fighter. Jack and the rest of the crew were only too happy to leave this gaunt man alone.

ObservantReader: Wait, hold onto your flapjacks peeps. Why haven't we ever heard of him before?

SmartReader: Because the Author only needs him now. She didn't think ahead of time. And shhhh, it's another plot hole.

Basil: The booty is ours Sparrow. I will finally have my vengeance! Mwahahahahaha!


	23. Chapter 23

This is it, brace yourselves, it's – THE END! Yup, I'm not joking here. It's been a fun ride, you've all been great, but all good things must come to an end right?

Jack: Vengeance? For what?

Basil the Bad: For, er – ah – (waves pistol while talking) - um – making us wait so long here on this stupid beach. It was cold and I have sand all over my clothes now. Not to mention all the cuts on my feet from the shells. Yeah, that's a good enough reason to end this story with an exciting swordfight.

Jack: (looks around) Um, _us_?

Just then, a score of pirates before unforseen appeared before him in a loud POOF! accompanied with much pink smoke.

PickyReader: I thought we had moved away from the musical thang.

With Basil there was now Larry, Bob, Pete, Gavin, Brett, Alex, Gimli, Justin –

ObservantReader: Excuse me, but what was that last one?

Author: Justin and Arago–

ObservantReader: No, Gimli?

Author: Yes?

ObservantReader: (throws up hands in frustration) Oh, I'm too tired to think of something witty to say.

WittyReader: What? Don't look at me this time. I got nuthin'. I'm too busy staring at my David Anders poster, so if you'll excuse me …

These were all pirates who had mysteriously begun to withdraw from the rest of the Black Pearl's crew and therefore were left out for the rest of the story.

AlertReader: PLOTHOLE! (points menacingly) PLOTHOLE! PLOTHOLE!

Basil the Bad: Everyone who is on Sparrow's side will never see any of this treasure again!

(Pirates, they be baffled indeed)

Basil the Bad: It means I'm gonna kill ya!

AllOtherPirates: Argh!

Wesley: Please don't hurt us kind pirate sir!

Basil the Bad: Shut it ya cross dressing monkey!

Wesley: (eyes glint angrily) You're making me very angry. (takes out shovel) And I'm not very nice when I'm angry.

Basil the Bad: Ooh, whatcha gonna do? Snap yer garters at me?

His mocking laugh was cut off with a loud TWANG! – the sound of Wesley's shovel making contact with sufficient force with the side of his head. The evil pirates quailed and dropped to their knees to sue for pardon from their captain.

SarcasticReader: Geez, that was easy.

ConcernedReader: Never say "geez" again. It's only used by country bumpkins and for people who have never had any social contact. Sometimes even both. I thought we talked about this?

Jack ignored them but walked towards Basil the Bad on the ground. He crouched down to him to tie him up but sprang back and drew his sword immediately when Basil's eyes opened.

Basil the Bad: (springs up from floor and takes out his own weapon. An umbrella) Didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily did you?

Jack: Honestly, I actually did.

What ensued next was a bloody battle. Basil the Bad's band of bumbling pirates fought with Jack's loyal crew. Jack fought Basil with his usual flourishes, his stance unsteady – a mere façade he put on that made his opponents underestimate him. Ethel took on at least three surrounding her, swinging her - I dunno - spatulas around her with graceful ease. She managed to gouge out one man's eye before thwapping another in the ear. Wesley's shovel shone with blood as it swung from side to side, slicing skin and bone by its sharpened edge. Norrington's –

NorringtonFans: Good Lord, he's still in the story?

Author: Yeah, sorry about that, I feel so guilty about that. I think for my rewrite of this, I'll add more of his and Will's antics in this.

NorringtonFans: You never explained how he ended up aboard the Black Pearl, and more so, with Will.

Author: (whispers) Prequel, prequel. (whispers)

- stiff composure did not give way during his battles. He swung his – er - broomstick handle, with calculated precision trained from years in the military. It didn't look much more than practise drills. Will showed off with many a spectacular move, parrying with his opponent before unarming them with some fancy trick. All in all, Will fought like a gay man.

OutragedReader: What did that accomplish just before? Why did I want to know each of their fighting styles?

Author: (shrugs) I thought it was cute.

OutragedReader: You. Must. Die. Now. (falls down from tranq dart) Argh.

Okay, you know the drill. They fight. All the evil pirates are killed except for Basil. Seeing his fortune, Basil grabs Ethel in the midst of everything and pushes a knife to her throat. He then performs the Generic Creepy Evil Guy Face Lick. Ethel shudders. Wesley looks on, scared.

Basil da Bad: Time to make a hard choice Sparrow. I take the treasure freely, the girl lives. You try to stop me, the girl dies. Your choice.

AwareReader: Ah, doesn't he get the treasure either way?

TiredReader: I'm really not too sure anymore. I zoned out of this story 12 chapters ago.

WittyReader: He also goes by the alias, Stuart the Stupid. Stooopid.

Ethel was terrified at this point and tried to read the expression in Jack's face. He was breathing heavily from the fight but she could see that his mind was working quickly behind his eyes. "_This is it. If he will choose me or the treausre. His love for me is dependent on this very moment"._

ObservantReader: I don't think that this is even possible but she's even more melodramatic that you!

MelodramaticReader: (Sideshow Mel voice) No one is more melodramatic than me! No one!

Jack: (smiles) Then I have no choice. Kill the girl, she's nothing to me. There is nothing in this world that'll make me give up all of this. Especially not some strumpet like you. We had some fun didn't we? Sorry it had to end like this love.

Ethel couldn't believe it. That thieving, despicable, disgusting, heartless, lying … pirate! She couldn't even think straight because of her fury at the man that was grinning in front of her. His eyes however, told a different story. There was genuine concern there and they were focused at something behind her.

THWIP!

Will had crept up behind Basil da Bad and chopped his head off. Basil fell and Ethel leapt away from his now lax grip.

WillFans: Yay! Heroic!Will!

JackFans: WHAT THE?

PickyReader: Not really heroic at all. He snuck up on him and killed him without any warning!

WiseReader: What do you expect? They're pirates!

PickyReader: Good point.

All the pirates cheered. Luckily, none of Jack's trusty crew had lost their lives although some sported injuries. Gibbs had a deep gash down his leg and Anamaria held a blood soaked piece of material to her arm. Ethel looked down at Basil, then up to Jack, and swooned.

THE END! – seriously, except for the epilogue

**Gibble?** – To my one-eyed one-horned flying pink MarySue eater! Thanks for reading and being part of this crazy ride! Okay, since this fic is ending, you can take the role of SarcasticReader and have Norrington. Although you might have to fight Will for him!  
**Music nerd** – I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp has been stalked by EVERYTHING. Poor dude. 22 pages? Yikes! Don't think I could ever write that much! Did you notice that Ethel asked "what was to become of us?" in the previous chapter? Haha. Ah, there's nothing wrong with Maths! (crickets chirp) Who WOULDN'T want to learn about the fundamental theorem of integral calculus? See you at the puffy-walled loony bin!  
**DPhantomtomboy** – Thanks for reviewing once again! Yeah, Britney Spears, you can never lose with her. Ha!  
**Moongrave.Wings** – Heeey new reviewer! There isn't fourth-wall breakage when Wesley mentions Mary Sues because … it's a parody. With a talking monkey! Can't beat a talking monkey! (Although an undead monkey might). Hmm, good point that Ethel can understand Wesley spelling out 'love interest' yet can't read, and yes, you're right it is another plot hole! Whee, plot holes are fun! Yum! Cookie!  
**Ace's Buddy **– I sure hope that you got a good deal off ebay with that Mary Sue Guide Book, because you CAN get ripped off! And yes, you're studying served you well. Good stuff. Sequins are kewl! (Note: I am using the variation 'kewl' ironically. I DO NOT go around writing 'kewl'. Ever. Except in this case)  
**Boandpop** – Singing is fun! Yes, Jack - a man of mixed desires. Treasure or a strumpet? Decisions, decisions! I have to admit, that little poem was me at my cheesy best, so if it's obvious and lame, GO ME!


	24. Epilogue

Mary Sue of the Caribbean – Epilogue

It was said throughout the Caribbean that the infamous Jack Sparrow wedded the evenly notorious Ethel Moonshine in a private ceremony after retrieving the treasure of Tingilinde. They soon sailed off together aboard the Black Pearl becoming the most fearsome pirates in the entire world. Even though they had enough treasure to retire peacefully and wealthily, it was years and years before they finally did with their nineteen children – Aurora, Riley, Goldilocks, Cordelia, Thom, Jodie, Faith, William, Elizabeth, Lucas, Miranda, Bradley, Mnemosyne, Niphredil, Maeglin, Lena, Kira, Delilah and Maxwell. Their shared love of the sea led them to even more pillages, plunderings and adventures. Their legend still lives on to this day.

Another, less widely publicised story that made the rounds in the Caribbean's seedier taverns was that after Will Turner's and James Norrington's own wedding, it was revealed that Ethel was Will's long lost sister. Unable to handle the shock of this news, in the horrible emotional state of her first pregnancy, Ethel fell overboard and was mauled by some sea turtles, lost to the waves forever. A grieving Jack found solace in Ethel's once mentor – Wesley the monkey. It was believed that he had gone through a sex change to satisfy his new pirate lover.

What can I say to thank my faithful readers? I love you all! Thanks for making this writing experience the bestest ever! I'm not too sure what my next piece of work will be, so keep a lookout!

AllReaders: (raise drinks) Cheers!

Lady Lola Bert


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